I wrote my essay about my community, I kind of rushed the second half of it, any advice would be nice! :D
Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
Let us take a journey into the halls of the most infamous high school in the Coachella Valley; Coachella Valley High School. Defined as the institution with the worst students, my classmates seem to embrace this title by their unwillingness to take action. As we venture through the halls, you will see nothing more that the color brown, reflecting what my hometown consists of; Hispanics.
As I write this, I think about the ...
...
Let us take a journey into the halls of the most infamous high school in the Coachella Valley; Coachella Valley High School. Defined as the institution with the worst students, dangling participle(the institution not = your classmates) my classmates seem to embrace this title by their unwillingness to take action. As we venture through the halls, you will see nothing more that the color brown, reflecting what my hometown consists of; Hispanics.Starting to get worried about a hint of aggressiveness here but I read later that you too are Hispanic As I write this, I think about the ethnic segregation that exists in my community as a whole, and how frustrated it makes me. The cities is the valley, all relatively close, are extremely different. Traveling from city to city is like flipping through the pages of a National Geographic magazine, every page has a different setting. I grew up on the first page, the city of Coachella. Flip a couple more pages and you will notice the faces become fairer and the grass becomes greener. There is a tremendous gap that exists between my city and the luxurious city of Palm Desert,comma splice they are only within thirty minutes of each other, but the culture and the mentality clash in differences.
A few days ago, while shopping at the Palm Desert Mall, I encountered a crime scene. As I arrived home, I quickly searched for the incident on the Coachella Valley's newspaper website. What I found, was a violent argument that resulted in one teen stabbing another. I read the reviews and was not surprised when I found many Palm Desert residents blaming the incident on my Hispanic classmates. They called us "Terrorists", but what they ceased to notice was the article never commented on the teenager's ethnicity. Fervor stirred in me, and; I was forced to reply to their comments.
I was angered by the thought of these negative stereotypes. We are not terrorists. Terrorists crave destruction, Hispanics crave success. While many of my peers choose to simply ignore these negative comments, I cannot pretend they are nonexistent. They linger in my mind and as a result motivate me to prove these stereotypes wrong. Thus, when I responded to the article's comments, I assured myself to give them some insight on what really exists in Coachella. I shared my story.
I am Hispanic and I am not ignorant. I love engaging myself in academic challenges and, as a result I am at the top of my class. Also, I would never hurt a fly.Avoid cliche Take a look at me and you will see a reflection of my classmates. We are similar in the following way: we have crafted our dreams, and as impossible as they may seem, we have developed the necessary drive to make them reality. Our name is Coachella Valley High School, not Coachella High School and we represent the valley as a whole, not a mere outcast section of it. My wish would be that one day the schools in the valley would unite and support each other. Though, as for now, they can call us terrorists as much as they wish, but as I continue to motivate my classmates to succeed one day "one day" is describing the success one day or one day we will no longer...? we will no longer be called terrorists, but instead role models.
Overall, I found the essay engaging. Perhaps you could elaborate on how exactly you motivate your classmates. If you have time, take a look and comment on my essay
