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"Hist heart and chest" - UVA- Describe your Favourite Place


jarabhuiyan 4 / 9  
Dec 28, 2010   #1
"Describe your favourite place to get lost." I don't know if I have answered the prompt properly, I tried to take a different approach. Help would be greatly appreciated

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And as I rested my head while I uncontrollably sobbed, I longed for a reason for my addiction to him. It had to be his smile, slightly crooked yet always ready, that lured me in. Or it was his eyes, jet-black yet insightful, that held the indefinite power over me. Yet as I began to catch my breath, I realized that it was not in fact his enticing smile or eyes that I had grown dependence for; it was his chest. It was indeed his chest that held the key to my most sacred escape- his heart. Its sweet, repetitive melody had the ability to turn my stubborn sorrows into dew, serving as the only remedy for my grief. As soon as I would lay down my head on the pulsing surface, I was taken into an alternate world: a hushed world of affection and care. Like a baby, I would be put into the oblivion as soon as I arrived at my sanctuary, while the quiet beat of his heart would play my favorite lullaby. His chest, like the sunrise, was the first sight I would see when I would wake. His chest would make the birds in my stomach sing, and the flowers in my own heart bloom.

This was why I longed for him. Not for his eyes, or smile. It was inevitably for his chest, his heart. It was for the fact that he held the key to my most needed getaway- my very own utopia. And while I finally picked up the pieces and forced myself to stop sobbing, a whimper escaped from my lips. My haven was gone, spiritually and physically.

blackpixel23 19 / 46  
Dec 28, 2010   #2
First off, amazing description. It's some of the best that I've read on the site yet. And to answer your worry, you answer the prompt quite well in my opinion.

This was why I longed for him. Not for his eyes, or smile. It was inevitably for his chest, his heart. It was for the fact that He held the key to my most needed getaway- my very own utopia. And while I finally picked up the pieces and forced myself to stop sobbing, a whimper escaped from my lips. My haven was gone, spiritually and physically.

-Some unclear parts here though
1. What pieces?
2. Might want to clarify this "my most needed getaway- my very own utopia," slightly confusing.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Jan 9, 2011   #3
I longed for a reason for my addiction to him.

I don't like "for a reason for"...
And I don't like the word "longed." It is melodramatic!

Wow, great ending. Yes, you took a unique approach, and I think it is awesome. I just hope the AO reader appreciates good writing!

I think a few times you repeat the same idea twice. So... add another little theme... add another concept pertaining to what it means to "get lost" in someone's embrace. Add another concept, and eliminate any redundancy. :-)


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