Please help me proofread/edit/revise this (advice is open as well!)
Describe an experience you have had in creating or developing a solution to a problem that benefited you and others? What aspects made it enjoyable?
In my 11th grade year, one of my friends was struggling in our US History class. He did not want to show his parents a grade on his report card that was lower than a C, so I did what any other good friend would do and decided to lend him a helping hand. I spent a duration of 4-5 weeks tutoring him and prepping him for tests, as well as the final exam. After our final report cards for the year were released, he showed me that he had received an A on his exam and I could see his gratitude and jubilance on his face. Helping my friend gave me a sense of significance because I knew that he was grateful of my support. I had enjoyed the time that we had spent together because we had grown closer to each other during that period of time.
Hey Jeremiah,
Sorry for the harshness, but this essay has quite a long way to go. The good news first: you definitely have a viable topic for future use in terms of the development and fleshing out of a story/essay. The negative, however, is that it reads solely as a list of things that you did and accomplished. College admission officers have to read through thousands of mundane essays, making an essay that stands out with a voice particularly interesting and "remember-able." Further, if you have a humorous side, reveal that in your essays.
The main advice I would give you is molding this into a story that, in turn, portrays exactly what you said through your essay. As an example, here is a starting point from where I would start your essay:
Revised: The dreaded moment was finally here: the day of report cards. Enclosed within this manilla envelope were a series of letters that could make all the difference between success and failure, between praise and reproach, between acceptance and rejection. Unfolding the sheet, all the papers looked fine...except one: next to US History sat not an A, not a B, but a C. This was the story of my friend; however, I could not let this stand.
Hope that helps, and good luck!
