Topic: "Tell us of a person who has influenced you in a significant way" Instructions: Write an essay of about 500 words in response. Please do not repeat, in full or in part, the essay you wrote for the common application.
Some background knowledge, I was in the U.S. for 10 years up to 10th grade, and I studied 11th and 12th grade, in Mexico.
Do you guys think this is a good essay and that it answers the topic? Also, the word limit is 500 but this is only 375 words, is this an issue?
During my ten year period in the U.S., Mexico was to me what girls are to grade school boys: disgusting and embarrassing. This shame and embarrassment I felt for my country were fueled by the stereotypically-negative image Americans have of it, stereotypes I unfortunately became to accept as the truth. Many of my prayers as a child were spent questioning God on why he couldn't have chosen the United States as my birthplace, a country I idolized above every other. Oh, how that has changed now. Thankfully, I met __Teacher's full name______, my history teacher in Mexico, in time to correct my erroneous and ignorant beliefs and sentiments about Mexico, in time to metaphorically open my eyes and decide on a future for myself which included this beautiful country.
__Teacher's first name_____, the definition of an amazing teacher, not only validated by the fact that he graduated from Mexico's best university, but most importantly by the extensive knowledge on politics, and passion for the country's history, that he exudes in the classroom. He passed this passion for this country on to me and, in me, awoke a critical and inquisitive interest for it. This newfound interest led me to constantly ponder its efficiencies and deficiencies consequently provoking in me a sense of discontent since the latter grossly outweighed the former. I discuss all the possible solutions to the nation's problems I formulate in my mind with ______Teacher's first name____, whether they're about the politically-powerful vandals we have for teachers in public schools or about the decrepit agricultural sector.
I've decided to incorporate the challenge of modernizing Mexico into my future, as opposed to my previous plans which only involved forging a successful life in the United States. The U.S. already has plenty of good leaders to guide it in the correct path, but I'm afraid the same doesn't hold true for Mexico. Thanks to the environment of critical thinking and discussions ___Teacher's first name___ provides, I have come to realize that Mexico needs great innovators and leaders who are not motivated by greed; this is exactly what I aspire to become. All boys grow up and go through puberty, a period of revelation and suddenly, girls, those disgusting creatures we once shunned, change to beautiful beings that we can't live without.
For the Yale Supplement essay which says something like: "Tell us about something you would want us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application", Yale included a link in this essay, I clicked it and it took me to their page in which it says that some students have talked about "people who have influenced them", among other subjects, in this essay. Taking this into cosideration, do you think I can submit this essay to Yale as well? Also, would this work for the Harvard essay that says something like: "You may write on a topic of your choice"?
Thank you.
Good read overall, although I have the following suggestions (I am not a native speaker of English, so take these with a grain of salt):
This shame and embarrassment I felt for my country... - for my motherland
American have of it... - Most Americans have of it
Oh, how that has changed now. - Oh, how that has changed!
to metaphorically open my eyes - to open my eyes
Also, try not to use contractions (can not instead of can't).
Yes, I think you can edit this a bit and use it as supplementary addition for both the other places.
And please review both my essays!
In terms of Harvard you could definitely go ahead and use this. However, for Yale it would be better if you edited it a bit so that your essay could have a better fit for the prompt. Essay was good but I would personally recommend steering away from saying America has enough leaders. Maybe something like you intend to stay in America for a while and then take your expertise that you have learnt there and bring it to Mexico.
