any feedback would be great!
Prompt #2 (all applicants)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
No, You Hit Me First
It was the first time I had sparred with such an advanced belt like myself and I felt all the weight of my epinephrine hormone as fireworks went off inside my stomach. The buzzard pierced the air, our breathing surpassed the noise of everyone else's remarks, and the timer started counting our one hundred and twenty seconds. I weighed my options and calculated my opponent based on my recollections of his fighting techniques but when I went for the kill he stepped back. I knew he'd come with a fancy kick but to my utter amazement he just kept backing away. It continued until our two minutes vanished and I realized that all I had managed to do was dance with him in circles.
I had an epiphany then, I was a girl, he didn't feel compelled to fight fair with me. I was furious but I remained calm and my patience surprised him. This would not be the end of it, I would prove to him that I was his equal, regardless of how much time it took me to accomplish such a task.
I continued to attend my Tae Kwon Do classes as if nothing had happened. One day I felt Japan's sun blazing it's devilish rays on my face but adjusted my eyes and found myself face to face with my sensei. The one that instilled discipline and worked me twice as hard. Something motivated him to speak with me that day. He explained the prejudice of men and the fuel behind his attempt to empower me. "I know you are the only girl here," he said, "that doesn't mean we're going to spoil you, to be frank we are going to do the mere opposite." I did not feel discouraged, I worked among strong men, I myself felt like a soldier.
Months later we were up against each other again. I thought about my first tactic. Had I learned nothing at all? I learned to fight and learning to fight is learning not to fight. I stepped back motioning my lack of resistance, he picked up on it quickly and struck. Struck down all the barriers that had once come between us and not only us but the rest of the men. At first they were reluctant but as time progressed I won everyone's full sparring potential. On the most random of days he walked to where I was. Here I was with the same person that had inspired me. He simply gave me a necklace. The pebble it displayed said a single word, "Strength." I knew exactly what he meant. I was looking to be treated as an equal but what I gained was so much greater. I formed friendships, I found an internal balance, I learned perseverance and commitment, I found love for something I believe greater than any other sport.
I immersed myself in Korean and Japanese culture; I learned their words, customs, and rituals. I went in wanting to learn how to fight but grasped the concept of something so much greater. I felt my soul breathe, it filled its lungs with air and sighed the most refreshing sigh. Partnered with my mind and body to create a perfect state of nirvana. Call it success, a realization, an achievement, the labels all differ but the feeling... the feeling is exclusive.
This has great potential.
and good job...i liked it.
when you start speaking about what you learned(the end product) you stop short. Elaborate on the last section, i think its the most important.
Im not a very good essay writer so im not going to correct it, but i can tell you that i didn't feel a good flow when reading your essay. Sometimes i was left confused...like:
...my sensei.The one that instilled discipline and worked me twice as hard.
is this your instructor? is he the man you faced off in the inrto?
to be frank we are going to do the mere opposite
i think it would sound better like this:
to be frank we are going to do just the opposite
I learned to fight and learning to fight is learning not to fight.
this doesnt make sense...what do you mean? im not a fighter.
Here I was with the same person that had inspired me.
now he inspires you?why?
what you should definitely fix is the transition to the concluding paragraph.
and here is where im talking about the flow. i dont see a clear relation or understand how your love for the culture came about.
Use a colon here:
I had an epiphany then: I was a girl , and he didn't feel compelled to fight fair with me. I was furious but I remained calm and my patience surprised him. This would not be the end of it, I would prove to him that I was his equal, regardless of how much time it took me to accomplish such a task.
Nice job! Exciting essay... good descriptions.
Partnered with my mind and body to create a perfect state of nirvana. --> This is not a complete sentence..
Use a dash to show a greater division within the sentence: Call it success, a realization, an achievement -- the labels all differ but the feeling... the feeling is exclusive.
This is an impressive piece of writing, because it conveys an experience.
