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"I am HIV positive" - Common App short


Chelo 5 / 13  
Jan 1, 2012   #1
Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).

Please help deadline is today, any feedback from your side will be greatly appreciated, be critical.

"I am HIV positive" - one of the clergyman dared to confess his HIV status on one of the seminars for HIV positive people, facilitated by me, as a trainer of the NGO. (It is a very brave deed to talk about HIV status in Georgia). It appeared to be a motivation for others to also confess their status. What impressed me the most was the sudden trust and a sense of union, which arose in them; they saw people around, who really cared for them. No word can express my impression and feeling of gladness at that moment, I was astonished by the sudden change of situation. I can remember the only thought I had in mind - I did it! I helped. It was one of the greatest and priceless experiences I have had in my life.

Working with those people helped me to realize the fact that it is important to support their integration into the community.
I have realized the clue - helping community or individuals in need make you a better person: "You will rise by lifting others" (Susan Patton Thoele)
TheLeader 2 / 36  
Jan 1, 2012   #2
Good job on your essay. I fixed a lot of grammatical issues and also rephrased some sentences to strengthen them. Keep in mind the edits above when you make your revision. Regarding the actual story of your essay, I don't really understand how you went from "in their surroundings who really cared for them." to "No word can express my feeling of gladness at that moment". It doesn't really flow well and it doesn't contribute much to your essay until you explain why you felt that way. Let me know after you've made your revision and I'll check it out again. Good luck!

Please check out my essay(s)! :)
pringles 6 / 36  
Jan 1, 2012   #3
The essay sounds descent. Just a couple of things I'd like to point out
"as a trainer of the NGO" might want to not use abbreviations
"i was astonished by the sudden change of situation" change from what?
"I have realized the clue" ?? It might be because it's so late but i'm not sure that makes sense or is clear

just overall tweak some odd ends and you'll be on your way :)
I'd really appreciate it if you took a look at my stanford what matters app for me


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