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HKU Personal Statement: If I could have one superpower, I would want to read other people's minds


angelwu 2 / 2 1  
Oct 18, 2015   #1
Please check my grammar, sentence structure, etc, and also suggestions on making the essay more appealing to the readers, thank you!

Prompt: Please provide information which you feel will be of interest to the Admissions Tutors and will help them know you better, e.g. your reasons for applying to HKU, the chosen curricula, extra-curricular activities, participation in voluntary work, past working experience, career aspirations and other achievements.

If I could have one superpower, I would want my superpower to be the ability to read other people's minds.

I like to help people, no matter who they are and what situation they are in, I would do whatever I can to help them. I like to see people's appreciated and content smiles when they feel relieved and happy. Happiness became the motivation that provokes me in helping and satisfying other people. This eventually led to my dream of becoming a psychiatrist because instead of making people feel happy temporaily, I want to make people feel happy permanently from deep inside their hearts. However, unless people tell me what they need help on, I don't know how and what kind of help they need. If I could "read" other people's minds, I will be able to easily know what they are thinking and help them by changing the way of their thinking.

To reach my goal of "reading" other people's minds, I paved myself a bright road toward my dream of becoming a psychiatrist; however, as college gets closer and closer each day, the road that I had initially paved became blurry. I started to doubt about my goal because, despite the fact that it takes a lot of time and afford to become a psychiatrist, the ability of "reading" people's minds and taking in all of that stress and negative connotations from everyone is a hard task. I don't know if I am able to handle all of that well and if that is what I truly want. Just when I was unsure of myself, I volunteered at a school that has made me view my future differently.

It was during the summer of 2015, I joined an organization called Hands on Shanghai. It is an organization that organizes many kinds of volunteers at schools and hospitals. I volunteered as a teacher's assistant at a school called Sunshine Homes that is established by the Chinese government to assist special people with mental challenges and improve their social adapability and quality of life. When I first went in, I didn't notice anything abnormal about them. To me, they were just normal people talking and getting ready for class. When the class started, I get to talk to some of the students and realized how they do have mental disabilities. Some have hard times talking, while some have hard times moving, but they are all willing to share their day and thoughts to the class.

There was this man who shared a his story of his. He said that a few weeks ago, he saw on the news about a firefighter who had saved a family, but during his rescue, he injured himself so severly that he had to stay in the hosptial for months. The man appreciated and admired the action of the firefighter and so he decided to donate money to the firefighter to help him with the expensive medical fee. For the past few weeks, the man saved up all of his allowances to donate them to the firefighter. Just on that day, he managed to go to the bank and donate 100 RMB to the firefighter. The teachers and his classmates were all very proud of his action. I also appreciated his action. Even though 100 RMB is not that much, but the heart he has in helping other people who need help is really valuable.

Although I only spent a few hours with them, but I find them all to be really kind-hearted and optimistic toward their lives. I really admire their willingness in expressing and being themselves, despite the fact that they are different. I believe that each and everyone of them must had hard times, but they all managed to overcome it. Their spirit has encouraged me in pursuing my dream of helping more people in establishing happiness. I want to be able to bring the courage out of everyone and brighten up their futures like how the school did to me and the students. I don't necessarly have to be a psychiatrist to "read" people's minds. I can still do so by studying psychology and mixing it with other fields. This way, I can not only do what I want, but also to learn more from connecting different fields together. For example, I can connect psychology with education, so that I can be a counselor at a school, who helps students deal with their hardships and walk them toward happiness.

This becomes the reason why I choose to go to Hong Kong University because HKU encourages its students to mix up the faculties to pursue their interests. The school also allows the students to exert their creativities during those four years of college and make the best out of all the opportunities the school provides. I believe that HKU will be able to provide me with all the opportunities I can possibiliy have to reach my goal, and I will hold onto these opportunities and run toward my dream.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 19, 2015   #2
Angel, I like the slant that you have about "reading people's minds". It is something that resonates with people because there are really instances when we keep our thoughts to ourselves because of certain fears or apprehensions. As far as you essay is concerned though, I believe that you should concentrate the discussion solely upon how you, as a future psychologist will manage to read the minds of your patients and help them find happiness. Keep in mind that psychiatrists generally concentrate on mental disorders while psychologists help patients analyze their feelings and deal with stress factors in their lives. So as a psychologist, you actually have the opportunity to read people's minds. You will also have the clear opportunity to work with those special people like the ones at Sunshine homes because you could end up working for schools and other related facilities.

Psychiatrists actually deal with a different area of mental needs so bringing it up in your essay in the manner that you did shows a clear misunderstanding of the definition of the two career paths. My advice to you is to drop the reference to psychiatry in your essay and instead, concentrate on psychology and the ability it provides you to "read people's minds" because, if you do more research about this particular career, you will find that the bottom line of this practice is to help people find their happiness in their lives. Which is exactly what you want to do :-) Seriously, you need to learn about the difference between the two and adjust the essay to discuss the more relevant and appropriate career choice in relation to "reading people's minds." Right now, it is obvious that you do not really know the background of your career choice. Which is why you sound so confused and undecided throughout the essay.

Before I launch into the grammar corrections for your essay, I would like you to first revise the essay content based upon the pointers I gave you. Conduct deeper research into psychology so that you can create a better discussion about how this is the career path that will help you assist others in finding their happiness. Then, use that information to refocus your essay. Ensure that you keep the story about the school because that could be the basis for your career path.

We need to make sure that you discuss only your actual career choice in the essay. Don't confuse the reviewer by saying you chose one path then changed your mind and decided upon another. That will just tell the reviewer that you are indecisive and could potentially be a student who cannot decide upon her major so you won't be an asset to the student community. Most specially, do not place the references to that confusion at the all too important top of the essay. Once a reviewer reads that he will definitely be enticed to simply set aside your essay instead of reading it through to the end.


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