Hey guys! It's close to the deadline and I hope you can help read this essay. It was kind of hard writing this essay because there was so much I wanted to include on this event with 2000 characters. I hope it's good. Please be as hard as you like when grading it =)
I never knew his name, but I always saw him walking with a small plastic cup and a small sign saying "Please Help Me...Please" and asking for money when I drove to church. Like every other homeless person I saw, I thought poverty was a joke and just a destiny or problem people faced. One time, I even laughed at him when I drove by.
It was that one day where he completely transformed my whole perspective on poverty. As I drove by, I saw him again, but with a policeman. Because of my snobbish attitude, I couldn't but help laugh hysterically as I saw him getting handcuffed. However, as I drove closer, I felt an intense chilly feeling as I heard him yell and fall to the ground. Looking like a suicidal attempt, I noticed him banging his head against the muddy dirt. I tried to finish the bread I had, but I couldn't help but direct my attention toward him. As I looked back at the people laughing and throwing money at him, I started to have thoughts of disgust and shame at not just my ignorant thoughts I had but at those who ridiculed him. I wanted to give him the left over money and bread I had but couldn't. When I stared at him again, I soon began to comprehend a little of the reality of poverty. It was not some joke but a scary feeling that I did not want to face. As the homeless man entered the police car, he expunged my conceited and ill-mannered mind and left me with me a completely new subservient mindset.
People often take poverty for granted. I have learned that it is easy to become absorbed in dealing with life's practical problems forget the reality that surrounds a person. It is not every day that someone can say that they can understand what poverty is like. The homeless man left a impact on my life in that there was no reason I could give to tell why I should not be thankful and appreciative for the life I lived. Although I never saw him again, I still try to take every opportunity to give back whatever I can in hope that something I give will reach him.
please help me edit it =)
Dont say scar. It seems as if you were damaged from the experience. Try saying something else. Anyway, powerful anecdote.
You might want to change the beginning because the introduction makes you look really bad.
When ever you talk about you laughing, you might want to tone it down a bit from laughing hysterically to mocking him silently because you really do show yourself as an arrogant person, and that impression stuck on to me even to the ending of the essay.
Your essay is powerful, but you're taking a risk. The admission reader could read it and have the arrogant impression of you stuck in the reader's mind all the way to the end or that might not happen.
I hope my advice helps.
Can you give my Columbia Essay a read?
omgggg. soo mucch problems with my essay D: gah. thanks for the advice though makman09! I'll have to revise it and change it more :3. stupid word limit. =(
here i like rewrote it LOL. i hope it looks good! please grade as hard as you like. I kinda went over the character limit by like 15 characters. please tell me how to shorten it!
Take a look at my edits above and let me know once you've revised it. I took some unnecessary filler words out to shorten it for you like you asked. It's a well-written essay, really engaging. Good luck!
If you can take a look at my essay(s) again that would be great. Thanks!
