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Hockey and losing weight - UBC Personal Profile: Tell us about who you are?...

Arsidhu 1 / -  
Nov 30, 2019   #1
Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)

Being Determined

Losing weight was a problem that I struggled with; I was always known as the chubby one. Coming from a family and having friends who gave physical health great importance I didn't fit in. I played field hockey and went to the gym 2-3 days a week but my halfhearted attempts weren't working.

It was the summer of 2017 and the return of my field hockey season. I walked down the stairs to the turf field like I did every year but, this year was different. I had a goal in mind, I wouldn't let jokes about me being overweight put me down but I would use them as an encouragement to try my best and lose weight.

Keeping this positive mindset and putting 100% effort I went from being 5'9" and 165lbs to 6'0" and 150lbs. I have a body I am confident and proud of knowing how hard I worked to get to this point and how hard I'm working to maintain it.

Trying my hardest in my field hockey practice and going to the gym consistently has shown if I set a goal and strive to put my best effort into achieving them, I am able to get the results I want. This is a quality I cherish and am known for among my teachers and friends. I would also be described as being very supportive. I find great satisfaction in being able to help my friends and peers create and reach their own goals

249 words, any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

plforielts 4 / 11 5  
Dec 1, 2019   #2
Welcome and my comments help.

1) "... great importance, I didn't fit in." or rephrase the sentence for easier reading.

2) "... of knowing the hard work I have done and how hard I ... I'm working to maintain it."

3) no short form in university application statement.
Maria - / 1,099 389  
Dec 2, 2019   #3
Hello there. I hope you're doing well. This is my feedback on your writing that I hope somehow helps you.

Be more precise with your language as much as possible. When working with word counts, it is critical that you know which parts of the essay to omit and which to keep. This will help you be more mindful of each word that you insert into the writing, letting you have a more productive method of writing afterward. For instance, take a look at your third paragraph. The second sentence, in particular, could have been compressed to creating something that's shorter and yet still properly written out.

Try not to jump around also with descriptions because you won't be able to elaborate all of those key words. I noticed that you mentioned being a supportive friend by the very end; however, even these sorts of information weren't properly fleshed out in the writing. I suggest finding a descriptor that comes close to being determined to create something that's more parallel to what you already have in mind, allowing you to connect everything with minimal effort exerted.

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