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I want to be a Hokie for the outstanding academic opportunities that Virginia Tech offers


bsmyth19 1 / 1  
Oct 26, 2013   #1
Just finished the first draft of my essay. Still a little bit rough in some places but overall Im very happy with it. Any advice or input would be very much appreciated. Also its 273 words and the limit is 250 so any suggestions on how to make it a few less words would be great. Thanks!

First and foremost, I want to be a Hokie for the outstanding academic opportunities that Virginia Tech affords for its students. As a prospective engineer, I am especially excited for the opportunity to learn from the world-class engineering professors and utilize the state of the art faculties provided by the engineering college. I am also drawn to Virginia Tech by the sense of comradery and community that I feel on campus and throughout Blacksburg whenever I visit Tech. Whether I was standing in the cold drizzle at the Pitt Football game or waiting in line for a 'Zone at D.P. Dough, I was absorbed in the kindness and companionship of what I hope to someday be my fellow Hokies. Knowing that there is always something exciting to do on campus or in Blacksburg is another major reason I want to go to Tech. From Quittage practice on the drill field to Saturday morning tailgating to even a simple pickup basketball game, it seemed like everywhere I looked Hokies were getting together and having a good time. The beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains that surround Blacksburg and the opportunities for activity they provide are yet another reason I want to be a Hokie. I can just imagine the rush of adrenaline and sense of accomplishment I would feel as I mounted the peak of McAfee's Knob after a long day of hiking with a few close friends. The final reason I hope to someday be a Hokie would have to be the amazing food which, compared to all of the other great things about Tech, would literally and figuratively just be icing on the cake.

jfang 1 / 10 3  
Oct 26, 2013   #2
The final reason I hope to someday be a Hokie is the amazing food

Get rid of all these sentences.
Your essay is really great and I love all the examples you provide, but it would be much better if you cut out these thesis-like sentences and get right to the point. You can include the ideas (camaraderie, diversity, etc) within you actual examples.

Best of luck!


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