AN HOMELESS PERSON INFLUENCED ME. PRINCETON ESSAY

Tell us about a person who influenced you in a significant way?
Any type of comments are accepted and help me making the essay short, and even suggest me on what you feel.

Influential Homeless Person

Please check for grammatical mistakes and even for any corrections.

When I was 9, my neighbors bought a weird television with a board of alphabets connected to it for his son Abhi. Abhi called me to show me his new television which he named it as computer. Later his father explained me that it was a new piece of technology which was not named but called as computer. After a few days we were able to operate it with the help of his father.

My enthusiasm for computers grew when I came to know more about computers and technology, and his father was very happy to see me passionate about computers and he will started teaching me everything he know about computers.

It was summer and Abhi's family went on a trip. I couldn't bare the idea of not having access to a computer for 2 months, so I asked my parents to buy me a computer but they convinced me by explaining our financial circumstances. So I borrowed some of the books on computers and technology from my cousin so that I could read them in summer.

Almost all my friends were on a trip and I have no one else to play, and one day when I was playing football alone in a ground there was an aged homeless person on our streets who came to me and asked me if I needed some company. He started playing with me daily and slowly he became my friend.

He used to narrate me stories every day after the game and slowly I started liking him. One day after the game he started narrating his life story and suddenly he pointed his finger at a house on our street and said that it was his dream to live in that house. I asked him how you can buy a house of 15000$ if you don't have sufficient money to eat, he just smiled and didn't answer my question that day.

Summer was completed and every one were back, but I still spent some time listening to his stories every day. Suddenly one day while coming from school I saw some people near his place and I found out that he passed away. When the department people were taking his body they found 13000$ in his bag, everyone stood there were shocked to see that much money in his bag. Later I calmly returned to my room and I tried to stop my tears but I couldn't, I felt like I lost my grandfather.

That day he taught me most important things of life: hope and determination. Having hope on what you dream to become is the very first level to success and having the same determination till you achieve is what I believe. I don't know how many years it took him but it took me 742 days to make my first dream of buying a computer a reality, which moment made my 12 year-self realize the importance of having hope. From that day I started living my life with passion with some drive.

I always used to remember him whenever I feel like giving up on anything. When I was thinking of building a network that cannot be hacked at all so that no one else could face loses unnecessarily, I came up with an idea and started an independent research, and I went to some of the companies to find major problems they face with information security. When I explained my thought not showing my design to the system architect he was surprised to listen and said it can be built but don't know how much time and work it takes. I was very happy to know that it has probability.

Since 2 years I have been working on that project and I have hope that one day I can build a network which cannot be hacked. When it did work people will finally see me like I see myself and I can't ask for more than that. That day he left me changing me as the person I am today.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP

I liked reading this essay. I think what it lacks is an effective hook that raises questions and draws the reader in.

"I felt like I lost my grandfather" is a really depressing phrase. You want admissions officers to remain positive. I'd replace that with something like "I felt like a part of me was taken away"

Also, this is an interesting childhood story, but you can maybe tie it with a more recent experience to offer more proof?

Good luck!

I like the overall idea of the essay, but some things are awkward. For example,

My enthusiasm for computers grew when I LEARNED more about computers and technology, and his father was EXCITED/GLAD/OVERJOYED to seeMY PASSION about computers. HE started teaching me everything he know about computers.

Barry, your story is confusing. The prompt is asking you to talk about one person who influenced you. Not two. So if you feel the homeless man was the one who really influenced your desire to learn about computers, do not discuss your neighbors anymore. You actually have two different kind of influences going on in this essay. So you have to pick one and develop that for the discussion. Either you discuss how your interest in computers developed and evolved because of the influence of your neighbor, or you discuss how the influence of a hopeless person made you a more caring, civic minded, and hopeful person. You can't discuss both. It will divide the attention of the reviewer and thus, make him confused about the point of the story. Pick the story that you feel best fits the prompt and develop that into a narrative essay response.

@Holt
Thank you very much for your help. I will post it again after editing and I like you to review that too.