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"a homeless woman" - Common App Short Answer :)


yeseniyaus 3 / 5  
Dec 23, 2009   #1
Common App Short Answer
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities,personal activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer).

It was the last day of my school day before winter vocation. The weather forecast said a snowstorm was coming soon. Dusk was falling and wind was blowing as I hurried back home. Passing by an elementary school, I saw a homeless woman crouched in the corner of the school. She was wearing a dirty plastic paper outside her shabby coat in order to keep warm. The temperature was going to drop below zero tonight. I could not imagine how she could undergo the incoming coldness. Although she did not ask for money like other beggars did, I gave her eleven yuan (1.5 dollar) and left myself only two yuan for bus fare. A little surprised, she took the money and thanked me with a big and warm smile. I returned a smile and walked away without saying anything. At night, it started to snow and had been snowing for a month since that day. Hope the eleven yuan could help and inspire her a little in the freezing winter.(169)

Is that ok to have 169 words, or I need to narrow? Thank you so much!!!
ginny2345 12 / 22  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
i like you essay but you have to narrow the word. word are easy to narrow. you just have to find shorter ways to put your ideas!

goodluck
appletree12 1 / 2  
Dec 23, 2009   #3
I think u should cut the words to meet the requirement.
Frankly speaking I cannot understand what exactly you meant to say.

If you want to stick to that topic I think it would be better to be specific (also cut needless words)!

hope this would help!

Thx
timeturner36 8 / 26  
Dec 23, 2009   #4
The writing is fine but it does not really answer the question. This would have been better for an extended essay. If it is not too late I suggest you to write about something that's more...well, extracurricular.
youngkim9193 4 / 13  
Dec 23, 2009   #5
I agree with timeturner36. Your essay is good but I think college will be looking for something you have done continuously, not something you did it for one time deal. If you have time, I will suggest for you to write about something that had an impact on you.

Good luck!
Tictac8 4 / 18  
Dec 23, 2009   #6
I agree with the two people above me. This experience is quite common. Unless you have the ambition to help the poor when you grow up and this experience serves as an initiative then it's better for you to elaborate on one of your more important activities.
swuvvy 7 / 20  
Dec 23, 2009   #7
Yes, and extra-curricular activity should be something you've been involved in for a while, and something you're committed to. Although what you did was really great, I don't think it's an extra-curricular activity, so it'd be better for you to choose something else (perhaps you're involved in a school band/club that you're passionate about?)
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 23, 2009   #8
hmmmm this is too long first off, the common app says 150 words or less, thats what you should stick with, all you do is risk irking ad coms by not following a clear guidline. The question i have though is whats unqiue about this story? it seems like you gave money to a needy women and hopefully that money will help her survive the winter. Ok, that happens alot, hows that really unique? If your going to use a story like that, then at least come up w/ some strong, powerful closing lines to make this seem like a truely significant and special event, you don't do that, but more than that, is this really the siginifcant event you want yo show colleges? Did it really have a profound impact on you and does it really make you stand out in anyway? If you think the answers to both those questions are yes, i would say make the profound impact it had on you and the impact of hte story come across because i don't really see it and emphasize why this was so unique and not like any other stories like this that happen all the time as far as you are concerned. Good luck.
jeovanshadow 2 / 5  
Dec 23, 2009   #9
The weather forecast [[reported]] the arrival of a snowstorm. Dusk was falling and wind was blowing as I hurried back home from school. Passing by an elementary school, I saw a homeless woman crouched in a corner. She was wearing a dirty plastic paper outside her shabby coat [[for]warmth. The temperature was going to drop below zero that night. I could not imagine how she could undergo the incoming [[storm]]. Although she did not ask for money like other beggars did, I gave her eleven yuan (1.5 dollars)[[leaving me with]] two yuan for bus fare. A little surprised, she took the money and thanked me with a warm smile. Returning the smile, I walked away without saying a word. For a month the snow continued to fall. I hope the eleven yuan helped her a little in the freezing winter.

These are my suggestions, I hope it helps.
(140) :)


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