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i'M HOMESCHOOLED; Common App Supplement: World you come from ?


mylesd 6 / 10 1  
Dec 29, 2012   #1
Prompt: Describe the world you come from and how that world shaped who you are.
I need some help editing this essay. Please, comment and criticize.

Reflecting on my life thus far, there are two decisions that have come to define who I am. The greater of the two is the decision my parents made to homeschool me. Though I missed out on activities like school dances, I have grown to appreciate my homeschool education. At home with my mom and three brothers, I became self-motivated, independent in nature, and I learned the values of a strong family.

Unlike the decision to be educated at home, I was the author in the next most significant decision that has come to shape who I am. The summer before my eighth grade year, I admitted to my Mom that I wanted to attend public school. Despite being shy at first, I began to unfold. Before graduating middle school, I was brave enough to perform a duet on stage, even with my unfortunate voice.

In a sense, the unparalleled world I come from can be divided in two, with the restraints of the first world producing a deep desire to discover everything I had been missing in the later one. Together, the two worlds are comprised of Guinness Record breaking attempts, snow forts even an Eskimo would be jealous of, and trees too tall not to climb. Before settling down, I was the unsung manhunt hero, the town's best and only free bike mechanic, and the daredevil willing to take any risk. Ultimately, I am the person my experiences have shaped me to be.
mayfl0wer 6 / 48  
Dec 29, 2012   #2
I was the author in the next most significant decision that has come to shape who I am

Author does not connect with decision. Maybe say 'in the writing of the next chapter of my life?'

Despite being shy at first, I began to unfold.
^A little awkward.

'At school, although I was shy at first, I quickly ________.'

Before graduating middle school, I was brave enough to perform a duet on stage even with my unfortunate voice. and ____.

'the unparalleled world I come from can be divided in two'???

In a sense, the unparalleled world I come from can be divided in two, with the restraints of the first world producing a deep desire to discover everything I had been missing in the later one.

^ Very awkward sentence. I get what youre trying to say, but it can be better.

Last paragraph is a bit irrelevant and suddenly abstract. Try to relate it back to how although your experiences were polar opposite, both were beneficial and crucial to the person you are today.
thkid 3 / 7 1  
Dec 29, 2012   #3
In a sense, the unparalleled world I come from can be divided in two, with the restraints of the first world producing a deep desire to discover everything I had been missing in the later one.

The second dependent phrase sounds a little to passive maybe you could try "with the first world's restraints producing a deep desire to discover all I had missed in the later one".

It is a good essay, good luck!


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