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"my hometown in Sichuan province and went to Shenzhen" essay--topic of my choice


CHERRYFISH 1 / 1  
Dec 25, 2009   #1
Three years ago, dragging heavy luggage, crossing foreign streets, I came to Shenzhen. On the first day of my high school, I burst into tears. I could not see mother's gentle smile and intimate friends but all unfamiliar schoolmates. I could not hear familiar hometown dialect but Cantonese which I totally could not understand. At 15, I left my hometown in Sichuan province and went to Shenzhen to get education here alone.

At the beginning, life was in a mess. The first typhoon hit, I was caught in the classroom alone and cried helplessly because I could not picked up by my parents. The first time I cooked, I cut my finger and bleeding but didn't what to do. The first exam I took was failed because I hadn't got accustomed to the new environment. It was also the first time that I realized how weak and fragile when I could not count on my parents for the first time in my life.

One day, however, I found a yellowed note in my diary. On the note, it was one sentence written in childish handwriting: Tomorrow is another day. Mummy, everything will get fine. After seeing this, my eyes welled up with tears. Here, I was 10. My grandfather was seriously ill at sudden. I put this note into my mom's bag when she rushed to attend dying grandfather in the midnight. I guessed my mother was very sad at that time. I didn't know how to comfort her but wrote that note to encourage her to be strong and optimistic.

Another day, accidently, I found a message which I sent to my father in my cell phone It said: For those people who really love you, your value doesn't from what you have, but who you are. In blurry eyes, I recalled it was in sixth grade, my father quit a stable job and went Guangdong to search new opportunities alone. Life was extremely hard at first and things were not as good as he expected. When I first saw this sentence, I was moved and sent to dad immediately in hope of bringing him courage and support.

When I saw these two things, I suddenly realized that my parents also had hard times in their lives. However, they overcome them with courage and independence. When I was a kid, I already knew the importance of being strong when facing difficulties. So this time, I have no reason to be weak! With my parents' love and support, I have to learn to be strong and independent!

I wiped out tears and faced the life with new attitudes. I taught myself Cantonese and talked with my classmates even though they often laughed me at my poor accent. I watched local TV series to learn the new culture and got accustomed to their lifestyle. I also learned to endure the loneliness and think deeply. I enjoy reading books alone in the library for a whole day and running at night, thinking freely. Moreover, I learned to do housework and made my life well-organized..

From grade10, I became a volunteer and went to a primary school for migrant workers' children in suburb every weekend. I taught children English and Math, brought them candy and played hide and seek with them. Although their parents do the heaviest work but have the lowest status in society, these kids are pure and happy. Once, a little girl came to me and cried sadly. She told me that her father hadn't been home for four days. I hugged her and told her my experience to encourage her to be strong and independent. Their smiles lighting up faces when ate candy and the feeling when I hugged that girl really touched me. I realized that I can not only be strong myself but also bring other warmth and courage.

Three year past, when I waved farewell to my school, I cried again. Not because of weak but my deep love and appreciation.

shinhwab 3 / 8  
Dec 25, 2009   #2
this is your second paragraph.

At the beginning, life was in a mess. When the first typhoon hit, I was caught in the classroom alone and cried helplessly because I could not picked up by my parentsmy parents could not pick me up(this sounds better I think) . The first time I cooked, I cut my finger and bleedingand bled my finger, but,didn't did not know what to do. The first exam I tookin Shenzhen(I took, I failed doesn't sound good) , wasI failed because I hadn't had not got accustomed to the new environment. It was also the first(I can tell that you're emphasizing on the word, "first time," but, I think using "first time" twice isn't impressive )time that I realized how weak and fragile I became when I could not count on my parents for the first time in my life.

One day, however, (just delete it) I found a yellowed (you mean faded?) note in my diary. On the note, it was one sentence written in childish handwriting: Tomorrow is another day. Mummy, everything will get fine. It was written, "Tomorrow is another day, Mummy. Everything will get fine," (I only corrected the grammatical error because it's quoted.) in a childish handwriting on the note.After seeing this, my eyes welled up with tears. Here, I was 10. My grandfather was seriously ill at sudden. I put this note into my mom's bag when she rushed to attend dying grandfather in the midnight. I guessed my mother was very sad at that time. I didn't know how to comfort her but wrote that note to encourage her to be strong and optimistic.My eyes were welled up with tears because it was a note I wrote for my mom when I was ten years old. She was rushing to get to the hospital where my grandfather became suddenly ill at midnight. I did not know how to make her comfortable, but, to encourage her to stand strong and be opimistic.

I wanted to keep your essay and voice as much as possible, but, there were many small gramatical error and most of the sentences were awkward. If what I've done is not the way you want the story to be, it's okay to ignore because I am pretty sure that the college admission committee want to hear your voice, not mine.

It took more time than what i thought. i'll take a look at the other paragraphs asap
OP CHERRYFISH 1 / 1  
Dec 25, 2009   #3
Dear Shinhwa Baek:
I am very appreciate for your help~~~thank you so much!
Due to my limited writing level,I know many sentences are awkward and not gramatically right. So I really need your help..
Could you please also tell me your feeling about the content of my essay?
shinhwab 3 / 8  
Dec 25, 2009   #4
I can tell your life story and that how hard you were to get used to the new environment. But, i would suggest you to focus on one story.

Maybe you can focus on the story of the little girl crying because her dad did not come back for four days. and you can collaborate your own story into it. so.... does this make sense?


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