Here is my slightly edited version for UIUC's activities prompt. Could somebody please take a look at it and tell me what they think? Thanks!
"Choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it."
High school basketball is just one of the aspects of high school life that I will remember forever. For five of the seven years I lived in Hong Kong I was on my school's basketball team. As a lifelong sports fan, I immediately pounced on the opportunity early in middle school to join a sports team that I truly had a passion for. Hailing from the Great White North of Canada, I had a love for hockey but being in Hong Kong completely ruled out its existence.
When our very first practices were held, nobody even knew how to shoot a basketball properly, but we have come a long way since then. It was a long, arduous journey, but last year we finally earned the title of regional champions. Everyone exploded with emotion at the sound of the final buzzer as we noisily celebrated our victory. We realized that hard work does eventually pay its dividends; our determination and perseverance had brought us success. As a team we had no one else to thank but each other and perhaps most importantly, our coach. It was not an obligation for him to coach our team yet he had not once given up on us. No matter the score, we were to treat every game as a learning experience. Most importantly, we learned to distinguish between playing to fight and playing to win. That day, we played to win.
For my teammates, the journey would not end there, but for me it would. Two months after our victory, my family relocated back to Toronto and it was then that I reflected on the friendships and bonds I had formed with my teammates. It's amazing how, simply by playing basketball together, these friendships have transformed into relationships that will forever have their own reserved place in my heart.
Hi, I try to make some changes, hope them will help
Basketball is one of the ways for me to remember high school days forever. I spent most of my times in Hongkong by playing basketball. Initially, nobody even knew how to shoot a basketball properly, but we have grown since then. It was a tough journey but last year we finally earned the title of regional champions. Everyone exploded with emotion at the sound of the final buzzer. We realized that our hard work, determination and perseverance had finally paid off.
Thanks for the suggestions. I'll take them into account. Anybody else care to feedback?? Moderators?
Nice job! I do think it is better not to say "Boy, have we improved..." See my ideas below.
High school basketball is just one of the aspects of high school life that I will remember forever. For five of the seven years I lived in Hong Kong I was on my school's basketball team. Initially, nobody even knew how to shoot a basketball properly but, we have come a long way since then. It was a tough journey, but last year we finally earned the title of regional champions. Everyone exploded with emotion at the sound of the final buzzer as we noisily celebrated our victory. We realized that hard work does eventually pay its dividends; our determination and perseverance had brought us success.
Thanks! I just needed some opinions to strengthen and brush up some things. Your help is greatly appreciated. :)
The word limit says 300 or less so if I simply expand this answer slightly to cover their prompt's topics I should be fine, right? I think I should be able to use most of this to answer the "how you benefited from it" part of the question.
Thanks!
Wait, is your original post the common app extra curricular description or a supplement? Because if this is part of the common app, then you shouldn't recycle it because it will appear twice. If the school you are applying to doesn't take common app then sure, use it. Just don't put the same thing on the same application twice. So as long as that's the case then, yeah, you could use the same thing because they are basically asking the same thing.
It's for the extra curricular description. And UIUC doesn't use the Common App which is why it occurred to me I could recycle it with no harm :P
USC also has a similar activity question in its short answer section
"Tell us about an activity that is important to you, and why"
Do you think my short answer here answers the "why" part of this question adequately?
Nope, you did not mention why you chose it... what is their word limit? Do you have room to elaborate on why?
Show that you are acknowledging their question when you submit to USC by writing, "This experience is important to me, because...
Good luck!!!!!!
I also want to mention that in my previous response I had made a mistake. I see that the other prompt does not ask why you chose it, but just "why it is important to you." I think you will do well with this one.
