An Honor Society Program, very controversial but light toned essay with mixed reviews

I wrote this essay describing myself for an Honor Society Program but it caused all the board to hate me and become extremely agitated. The essay is supposed to be about why you should be accepted into Honor Society. Can you guys tell me what you like or anything you think i could improve in this essay about myself.

In this world of ours, there exist extremely odd phenomenons. One such phenomenon is that the words honor and perfection, in latin translate verbatim into **** *********(my name). I have answered this heavy heavenly burden by compiling an extensively impressive and intricate resumé, much to the chagrin of my austere peers. How? how have you accomplished all these ridiculously noble and Gandhi-esque achievements most logically fluent people ask. Frequently I offer up a simplistic nugget of an explanation by quaintly alluding to the fact that I have made sure that I maximized my time, so that i can fit in the most honorable deeds, such that my life is metaphorically equivalent to a Jesus like Tetris game. I have maximized this time by making sure that as soon as the clock strikes 2:28, I am completely and utterly unbinded to such delinquent and juvenile activities such as detention, an in school imprisonment I myself have never been subjected to. Speaking of imprisonment, that happens to be the only fundamental difference between me and Socrates, that and hemlock. We both have thoroughly enlightened the minds of our younger more impressionable peers. I have accomplished this monumental task by tutoring a promising young minds through the honor society tutoring program. Although the denotation of the hackneyed and banal word tutoring, does not accurately describe my work and my ability, with the rhetoric and affluence of my voice to instantaneously proliferate the test scores of my understudies. Besides churning out test acing pupils, I also, much like a mythical god-like Catcher in the Rye watch over the young minds of tomorrow. Luckily for the fortunate parents of the children I was able to offer my excellent and painstakingly careful babysitting skills for almost 1,450 minutes, but unluckily for them they can never run for Attorney General under the Clinton Administration. But much like a Texas Science classroom I mix this god-like and extremely moral behavior with actual science. I have provided my modeling services in an extreme attempt at defeating Cancer through raising money for scientific research. After knowledge of all this dabbling in being awesome and unbelievably well qualified I have also maintained a 98% G.P.A. and I unlike the quintessential cartoon portrayed brainiac, actually participate in athletics such as Tennis and Marine Fitness thus giving an epic connotation to the phrase scholar athlete. Through the Athletes Helping Athletes program I use this athletic prowess and charismatic nature to help teach little children to become morally upright, live great lives and to not do drugs, just like Nancy Reagan. But forget I ever mention Nancy because I hope you guys don't "Just say No," to my application.

Oh, no! That's terrible! I'm sorry to hear that.

In this world of ours, there exist extremely odd phenomena. One such phenomenon is that the words...

Capitalize Latin.

...metaphorically equivalent to a Jesus like Tetris game.---Wow, a Jesus-like Tetris game? If you explain how a Tetris game can be like Jesus in the sentence that follows this one, I think it will be a great little piece of writing!

We both have thoroughly enlightened the minds of our younger more impressionable peers. ---No wonder they hate you! This sounds pompous. :-/
Oh, I know why. "Peer" implies equal. You should use the word "juniors" or some other word that indicates that they are younger than you.

Use a hyphen in this situation:
Besides churning out test-acing pupils, I also, much like a mythical god-like Catcher in the Rye watch over the ...---Ha ha, so you write with a very sophisticated style and in a few sentences say you are godlike and that you enlighten the minds of others.

I think that ending is clever. I think you are destined to be a misunderstood artist. For now, give the essay an unmistakable theme, and

make it humble. Couple all self-aggrandizement with a few words that indicate that your reason fro accomplishing so much comes from your vision of the future, which includes this school. Write about accomplishments you made in order to achieve what is really important -- your vision of the future. Put the focus on the vision that you and the reader can share.

And use simple sentences so people are not intimidate by you! :-)