Prompt: If you were required to "unplug" for one year, describe the influence this would have in your life, your anticipated reaction, reactions of others in your life, and how you might change after your "unplugged" experience. "Unplugged" means no computers or other technology such as cell phones and PDAs.
there is something wrong with this essay in that the ideas dont seem to flow well.
i think it may be the orginization/structure
please help me!
It is crazy how tightly my daily routine is interwoven with the use of technology: my cell phone functions more as an external storage drive for my brain then it does as an actual phone. It remembers my passwords, and even rings to remind me the night before when my contact lenses need to be changed. In hectic times, it aids me in keeping up with my responsibilities.
The most amazing thing about technology is that sitting in my room with a computer in my lap, I can access in a matter of seconds what feels like all the knowledge in the world. My computer also allows me to keep a vast network of friends. Without technology for a whole year, how will I keep in touch? As I close my eyes and wonder, the image of my friend Chang-Wook appears. Sitting in front of his computer in South Korea, he is seriously contemplating the possibility that I might have died with a terrible disease and failed to mention it to him.
As anyone can see, technology was created with the purpose of expedition. To finish more work, to provide instant information and to allow communication that would otherwise take years. Yet looking at life now, one will observe how technology has failed to achieve its purpose. How is possible that with these great advancements, I, and people such as I, still endure nights of no sleep and days when we are forced to skip meals? It seems that in gaining technology we have unknowingly lost something equally precious. I believe that in becoming "unplugged" or disconeected, I will gain the chance to find a new (or rediscover an old) connection with the world.
As an artist I have experienced firsthand the serenity that independence from technology can bring. In using traditional media despite the faster, more convenient digital options available to me, I can not only see my piece, but perceive it physically in front of me. The feel of its texture and even the smell of the metal oxidizing in my hands bring a magnified awareness of my surroundings and a kind of psychological peace. This dimension of perception, inaccessible with the use of technology, is what allows the creation of something truly human and beautiful.
Unplugging will be an extremely difficult task for me, but I am confident that I would be able to adapt well. In my journey of independence from technology, I will strive for that profound feeling of unification with the world in everything that I do. The ability to gather wisdom through experience, or the chance to connect with a friend through the comfort of their presence, will be the things I regain with my sacrifice of technology. The powers of technology are so grand and incomprehensible that it was easy to believe that everything I ever needed, everything I wanted to see was in that digital world behind a screen. But I realize that the one year I am unplugged, will be the year when life feels more real and my existence more substantial than ever before.
Well, I think you mention too much about how you value technology, not enough elaboration about the influence "unplug" will bring to your life and how you might change after your "unplugged" experience.
The first paragraph doesn't sum up the essay, but focuses mainly on the cell phone. If you're using the cell phone as an example at the beginning, that's fine, but you should add another sentence to the end of that first paragraph that sums up your potential experience.
As an artist I have experienced firsthand the serenity that independence from technology can bring. In using traditional media despite the faster, more convenient digital options available to me, I can not only see my piece, but perceive it physically in front of me. The feel of its texture and even the smell of the metal oxidizing in my hands bring a magnified awareness of my surroundings and a kind of psychological peace. This dimension of perception, inaccessible with the use of technology, is what allows the creation of something truly human and beautiful. This is great!!
Good luck in school.
:)
Thanks everyone for your helpful comments! i have revised my essay in an attempt to solve some of the problems that were brought up.
i am still doubtful about the togetherness of the different paragraphs in this essay. is it just me or do they seem a little choppy? and how should i fix this?
also though there is no word limit, i feel this essay might be too long. so if there's anything to cut....
pleas continue with helping me improve this essay.
please, if anyone could point any major problems to me,
as i need to send this essay soon.
It is amazing the many marvelous things technology provides me with.
Don't end with a preposition!
With my computer on my lap, I can access what feels like all the knowledge in the world in a matter of seconds.
My cell phone functions more as an external storage drive for my brain than it does as an actual phone: it remembers my passwords and even rings to remind me when my contact lenses need to be changed.
Don't capitalize "it" and no comma needed
Without technology, I would be unable to contact my world-wide network of friends or be able to keep up with my responsibilities on hectic days.
Comma inserted and removed
Yes, technology plays an important role in modern life, but what many people don't realize is that there are things to be had beyond the reaches of technology.
AWK, consider rewording
By becoming "unplugged" or disconnected, I will gain the chance to find a new (or rediscover an old) connection with the world.
Obviously you believe it, because you wrote it :)
DON'T START SENTENCES WITH BUT!
I can not only see my piece, but percieve it physically in front of me by using traditional media in lieu of faster, more convenient digital options.
less awk, sort of
Unplugging, therefore, would be my one year reprise from the complications of technology.
AMAZING essay, I am also in the process of applying to UDUB and struggling with my essay.
I will post it soon if you are interested.
Great job, this will definately get you in
Hope my revisions helped, though I am not necessarily qualified
thanks for the help.
also, does the logic/ideas in this essay flow alright? does it seem like a complete, strctured enough essay? if not, how i can i fix??
Your essay does have a few structural problems. You don't mention that you plan to spend a year "unplugged" until too late in the essay.. That should be in your introduction (2nd para). Also, you might want to explain what you mean by "unplugged." Do you mean that you will eschew all technology that runs on electricity? That could be difficult. You could walk/bike/skateboard to get around, I suppose, as long you don't need to make long commutes, or to visit anyone outside your local area. Without phone or email, you will find it difficult to keep in touch with others. You could write letters (reviving an almost lost art form) and send them by snail mail to keep in contact with friends and relatives in distant locations. But making plans for an evening out or to drop by for an impromptu visit would be difficult, and keeping in touch with employers might become all but impossible. In other words, just because technology has its drawbacks doesn't mean it doesn't give very real advantages -- that's why we use it, and while it is certainly possible and probably even worthwhile to give it up, at least temporarily, I doubt it would be as easy as you seem to think. Or do you mean that you plan to be unplugged in a more limited way. Less computer and phone time rather than none? And do you also plan on limiting yourself only to the latest information technologies, so that cars and planes and landlines would be okay? Just some things to think about.
well the prompt the school gave says: If you were required to "unplug" for one year, describe the influence this would have in your life, your anticipated reaction, reactions of others in your life, and how you might change after your "unplugged" experience. "Unplugged" means no computers or other technology such as cell phones and PDAs.
from the prompt i took it to mean no communication devices (stuff that literally require plugs) such as phones, ipods, internet...ect. but not transportation or microwaves...
i also got the feeling that they wanted a more innovative/positive view. so i tried to focous on how "unplugging" would change me instead of how terrible life would be without technology.
should i explain in the intro what "unplugging" means? or is it not neccary since it is their word, not mine and they had already defined it?
Ah, okay, the prompt sort of specifies communication technologies. That's fine, then, but you still need to explain how you interpret it. After all, do you think it covers land line phones? They aren't specifically mentioned, and are old enough that you could reasonably consider them exempt, but they are also communications technology, and more reliant on wires than are cellphones, so you could also reasonably include them. You also still need to focus on "the influence this would have in your life, your anticipated reaction, reactions of others in your life." This doesn't mean you have to focus on how terrible life would be without technology, but it does mean that you should probably acknowledge some of the specific challenges that you would face. For instance, how would your friends react if they couldn't get a hold of you by either phone or email? How would you arrange to meet with them, especially if they are the sort of people to make plans at the last minute, or to change key details on short notice? If you have, or would have, a job, how would your employer react, especially if your job involves heavy use of the Internet? If you were a student, how would you communicate with professors? What if you were in a class where the professor specifically requested that you email in assignments? If you follow current events, how would you handle being limited to the mainstream newspapers for your information sources, especially if you believe them to be too biased to be of use? If you want to take a positive attitude, you can talk about how implementing your solutions to these problems would make you a better person, but to ignore the problems altogether isn't positive -- its unrealistic, and prevents you from fully answering the prompt. You don't have to deal with all of the issues I've raised -- some probably don't apply to you -- but by the same token, there are probably others that I haven't mentioned that do. Keep in mind that the goal isn't to be more negative, but more thoughtful and realistic, and you should be able to tweak your existing essay rather than having to do a complete rewrite. Good luck.
