UVa: Early decision essay:
Discuss your favorite place to get lost:
When the weather is warm, there are many of us on the trail, and all of us will probably walk by Susan B. Anthony and Fredrick Douglas. The terrain is rough; primitive stone steps lead either to the top of a steep hill, or down to the bottom of one of the glacier formed kettles. The narrow paved paths are cracked and neglected, and entire sections of Mt. Hope Cemetery have been claimed by the flora and imported vines. Like many Victorian cemeteries, elaborate marble statutes, soaring Egyptian obelisks and elaborately carved mausoleums rise majestically from the ground, without any sort of plotted geometric consideration.
As it happens, Mt. Hope Cemetery is across the street from my home. I walk there often, and I do not think I have taken the same path twice. Once, I found a grouping of lamb topped stones, the smaller stones book ended by two larger stones- an entire family- all of whom died in the year 1918. The flu, I presume, took them all. On another occasion I found the grave of a sixteen year old girl whose death date is the same as the birth date for the child who lies next to her. Sadly, as was true in those days, the child did not survive her toddler years. Each time I become "lost" at Mt.Hope Cemetery, I stumble upon a unique family story, a testament to the times in which the people of my community lived and died.
I hate the last sentence...any suggestions?
and Frederick Douglas His last name is spelled Douglass :)
to the top of a steep hill, or down to the bottom of one of the glacier formed kettles. You don't need a comma there.
elaborate marble statutes, soaring Egyptian obelisks and elaborately carved mausoleums. You need a comma between obelisks and elaborately.
The flu, I presume, took them all.This sentence is irrelevant to the main point of your essay.
Taking a shot at the last sentence of your essay, you could try to say something along the lines of the following:
Whenever I become "lost" at Mt. Hope Cemetery, I discover new testaments to the hardships of the past, portraying unique and tragic family stories, stories no history book could ever effectively tell.
I'm not sure if that's the angle your going for, but that's what I came up with.
Also, be sure to mention the name "Mt. Hope Cemetery" earlier in the essay. Not the first sentence - I like how you start with nice imagery - but you need to specifically say that your favorite place to get "lost" is the Mt. Hope Cemetery early in the essay.
Overall, it's a very nice essay. I wish you the best of luck! :)
Your first paragraph is great! 2nd paragraph could be a little better, I found the sentence "I found a grouping of lamb topped stones, the smaller stones book ended by two larger stones" confusing. For the last sentence maybe try breaking it up, like "Each time I become "lost" at Mt.Hope Cemetery, I stumble upon a unique family story. Each family is a testament to the life and times of my community, representing the past and providing memories for the future."
i agree with cherrybomb. try revising the sentences in the second paragraph. just as a suggestion, i would try to make the last few sentences tie your entire paper together and end on a happier note. (talk about the insight you received from going to the cemetery)
Oh John, I am cringing...misspelling Douglass. And it has already been submitted for E.D. How could I not catch that? Next time I will post much earlier, and I hope you, and everyone else will read me again. And this time I will dare to read the criticisms BEFORE I hit the submit button...I think that was the second prompt (I've been power writing essays lately) so perhaps they will just glance at it. I hope.)
