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'I hope to major in Biology' - UPenn

Strawberry78 4 / 52  
Dec 29, 2011   #1
UPenn prompt: Required for all applicants: Considering both the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying and the unique aspects of the University of Pennsylvania, what do you hope to learn from and contribute to the Penn community? (Please answer in one page, approximately 500 words.)

All suggestions needed and considered. Is it good? Is it bad? Does it answer the prompt? This is a very rough draft, so tear it apart.

Through the founder, Benjamin Franklin, the University of Pennsylvania instills well roundness into all of its students. I want to be a part of a school that strives not only to make exceptional students in specialized areas, but also students who have a broad knowledge of other areas as well. I also have a desire to help other, whether it be with emotional, physical, or mental obstacles. If admitted, I would spend a part of my free time diligently working through the community service projects offered at the university. By acting on my instincts and having an outlet for them, I hope to be an example that well crafted individuals enter and leave University of Pennsylvania.

I hope to major in Biology at The College of Arts and Sciences with a concentration in pre-medicine. I want to take my classes by the renowned professors who are willing to make personal contact with the students. I can imagine myself being invited to Professor Kirkham's home to enjoy dinner and an insightful conversation right before the end of the semester. Even with the professors' help to propel the students to succeed, I would have to take the initiative to achieve success since the school is not there to hold my hand. . Having a constant rigorous course load would further instill the concept of persistent hard work brings fruitful results.

I want to be involved in everything University of Pennsylvania and surrounding area have to offer. I want to experience adult life much quicker and since UPenn does not guarantee housing all four years, the transition from on campus college student to fully independent adult will be smoother. My responsibilities might be greater if I am not guaranteed housing all four years, but the exposure to the adult world early would help me better a stronger individual in the upcoming years since I do not have a plethora of students and faculty surrounding me every hour, daily.

Current students at UPenn have amazing school spirit and pride. To have that mentality instilled in me would be amazing because I not only want to be surrounded by people who exude happiness all day, but I can have the chance to scream to the mountain tops that I hopefully attend UPenn as well (expand). I will learn quick, from these students, that work and play do not necessarily have to conflict.

UPenn has amazing academics, but the environment in which it allows students to explore their academic and extracurricular interests seems exciting and inviting. I might have the honor of sitting on the fresh cut green grass and taking in the beauty of the tall buildings while studying calculus as the city environment bustles around me. While there I hope to learn anything this school is willing to teach me. I hope to attend UPenn's School of Medicine to receive my medical school education then concentrate into the Psychiatry residency program.

Along with these different aspects of the school, I have the impression that the students are hardworking and willing to help each other so they succeed in their academic endeavors. A supportive environment would create conducive learning atmosphere for me to successfully excel in my pursuits. Overall, the environment at UPenn encourages hard work, proactive learning and rewarding academic experiences. I want to be enveloped in an community that
karissa_a16 4 / 94  
Dec 29, 2011   #2
I don't think you're complimenting UPenn by pointing out they can't guarantee housing all four years hahah. Also, I think this is a loooot longer than 500 words and you really need to condense. Overall though, it's kind of bland. Please read my NYU one if you can.
insanesoul81994 10 / 30  
Dec 29, 2011   #3
I also have a desire to help others ,

By acting on my instincts and having an outlet for them, I hope to be an example that well crafted individuals enter and leave University of Pennsylvania.

i dont understand this part. did you mean to say example of?

I would change a lot of your "would" to "will" or another verb if possible because the word "would" is very passive. Nice essay though
appliCAN 6 / 18  
Dec 30, 2011   #4
"I aim to major in Biology at The College of Arts and Sciences with a concentration in pre-medicine so I can aspire to attend Penn's School of Medicine to receive my medical school education to concentrate into the Psychiatry residency program."

Not sure if aspire to would be the best fit here- try rephrasing.

Definite improvement, though. They will love your initiative.
Pottergirl19 5 / 15  
Dec 30, 2011   #5
Try to spice it up a little. You seem to be making a lot of good statements, but overall the essay isn't that interesting. Add a hook to the beginning; capture the interest of the reader right off.

You say a lot of what UPenn will do for you, but try adding more what you can do for the college. How will your own personal views and styles bring something new or valuable to the college? They already know that they are a good school, they need to know why YOU are good for THEM.
ComaPrison11 - / 1  
Dec 30, 2011   #6
First two paragraphs seemed pretty good. Just like what Pottergirl19 said, in order to address the prompt a little more and to prove that Penn is the perfect fit for you, you should talk more about what you can do for the Penn Community(in the last 2 paragraphs especially).

For example,

Penn seem to exude amazing school spirit and pride.

What can YOU do about the school spirit and pride at Penn / what does school spirit mean to you?
Jerlynn 3 / 26  
Dec 30, 2011   #7
I agree with Pottergirl. Maybe add in some more details about yourself and try to connect it with UPenn?
OP Strawberry78 4 / 52  
Dec 31, 2011   #8
Thanks to all the people that helped, but any other revisions to possibly make.
omo5031 8 / 33  
Dec 31, 2011   #9
I didn't find any grammatical errors, but you need to reduce it to at least 525 words. 400 above is way off. I don't think the thing about Benjamin Franklin really fits in, you should try deleting that. For your first paragraph, you didn't say who you were talking about, you just sort of started. Its a good essay, but you need to be more specific and fluid.

Good luck:)
chazzmil 5 / 9  
Dec 31, 2011   #10
I think the use of the Ben Franklin mention in your essay was a clever idea. You showed what sparked interest in you to consider the UPenn program. There was no grammatical errors here, just reduce the paper to about 480 to 490 and you should be fine. Good Luck!!!!!
TheLeader 2 / 36  
Dec 31, 2011   #11
Hey Stawberry,

Your essay looks a lot more refined and engaging compared to the one I edited earlier. However, you already know this but you must slim down the size of your essay. I'm guessing the word limit is 500 words, so take your time and do this carefully. You don't want to take out the wrong parts! After you've slimmed it down, post here and let me know and I'll edit it right away. It's unfortunate the prompt limits your words to only 500 because every little part contributes so much to your interest in UPenn. Good luck!!
Anxhela 6 / 28  
Dec 31, 2011   #12
Don't be monotonous mentioning Benjamin Franklin because a lot of people do it.
I think the first paragraph is perfect but fr the rest you shouldn't use so many I's..it sounds mechanic and without passion.

Try to make it stronger and to short it a bit.

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