Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3


I hope to see hospitality industry in my motherland China thriving prosperously and being perfect


cissywdi 2 / 1  
Sep 3, 2009   #1
What work and non-work experiences, academic interests, and career goals influenced your decision to study hospitality management? How will these contribute to your success at the School of Hotel Administration? Maximum 500 words

Dazzled by the shining French window, I moved nearer and nearer to admire, then, unexpectedly, I hit my forehead against it to a burst of cry. I did this crazy thing when I was five, the time I first stepped into a hotel, dreaming that one day I can wear high-heeled shoes and have my hair in a bun, walking gracefully and always with a smile.

However, as I grow older, I realized that what I thought was too superficial. On the contrary, hotel management is a strict work demanding high quality of employees. Nevertheless, whenever people around me heard that I was going to study hospitality management, I could feel the weird and puzzled eyesight they casted on me. They felt that in China, hospitality management does not belong to high-quality undergraduate students. To most of the people, hospitality management means serving people lowly, even obsequiously, let along high social status. Most of my classmates are willing to find jobs requiring nothing but sitting in the Manager's Office, sipping a cup of tea and commanding their employees. From this perspective, hospitality management is not an "enjoyable" work but toilsome. I really lost myself among the so-called "enjoyable" jobs.

Later on, I was deeply immersed in travelling. I spent my nights from family lodges to express inns, from youth hostels to large star hotels. Sometimes, I forget my time indulging in the homelike atmosphere. However, sometimes, I felt shameful when I saw foreigners complaining about the low-quality services. When I searched the foreign hotel-booking websites and found negative feedbacks about Chinese hotels, what I felt was like many people turn down the thumbs in my front. When I found a Chinese hotel just scored 2 or 3 out of 5, what I felt was like I failed in an exam and tried to hide the papers. When I saw Chinese waiters being condemned in public, what I felt was like someone gave me a slap in my face. I found that many staff can not communicate with foreigners well due to a lack of foreign language skill and knowledge. I found that many small-sized hotels were on the brink of closing down due to a lack of advanced management. I found that hospitality industry in China is just getting started, lacking large amount of high-quality administrators. I found myself again, in the most demanding job.

As a Chinese, I hope to see hospitality industry in my motherland thriving prosperously and being perfect. I hope to see hospitality industry is no longer being discriminated in China, but more and more people willing to join us. As the saying goes, the world makes way for the man who knows where he is going. I know this is the way I choose. Always with a goal, I believe that I will succeed in Cornell University.

is the second paragraph too long and extraneous?
and i wonder if i made the point clear that how these contribute to the success in cornell u.

thank you for taking time to give me suggestions!
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 3, 2009   #2
Dazzled by the shining French window, I moved nearer and nearer to admire, then, unexpectedly, I hit my forehead against it to a burst of cry.

This sentence, which starts so strong, encapsulates your problem in writing this essay. You have very good ideas, which you strive to express complexly. But, your English is still so rudimentary that you make glaring grammatical errors that interfere with comprehensibility. So: Keep the ideas. Keep the imagery. Write in short, simple sentences in order to lessen that chance that you will make glaring grammatical errors.

For example:
Dazzled by the shining French window, I moved nearer and nearer to admire it.T hen, unexpectedly, I hit my forehead against it.I burst into tears .
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Sep 3, 2009   #3
Yea your writing style fades off from the very start actually. I attribute that mainly to your grammar. You need to consider revising your grammar because the frequent errors disrupt the reading flow and my understanding of the essay.

Simone's advice is the best to follow.

Work needs to be done for this essay, especially for an Ivy League like Cornell that receives so many applicants..like 30,000 plus.
Your essay needs to have somewhat of a bang, and it bored me from the first few words, and I blame that on your grammar and your means of expression. Fix that, and you should be fine.


Home / Undergraduate / I hope to see hospitality industry in my motherland China thriving prosperously and being perfect
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳