Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I remember a phrase I had heard years ago that intrigued me: "One World and No Strangers." I was struck by its utterly simple, yet profound meaning. When I moved to America from Hong Kong, my stunted English always stood between me and the other children; however, it did not hamper me from fixing computers for those that encountered problems. My short, punctuated keystrokes and hurried clicks would melt stubborn, frozen screens, to the enormous excitement of the owner. On more than one occasion, this connection was the sole foundation for a strong friendship, and I realized that technology would become the bridge for me to interact with everyone else. With the help of technology, I soon assimilated into my new culture.
Living thirty minutes from Silicon Valley, I seized the opportunities I had to take my technical progress to the next level. Silicon Valley soon became my "playground of technology" as I swung and leaped from its swings. I had access to the latest and best technology the world had to offer. By age seven, I was already irreversibly swept up in an internet phenomenon: the exponential growth of innovations from the world of computers bedazzled me. Scientists marveled at Moore's law, which predicted that the number of transistors on a computer chip would double every year. The phenomenon was significant as it later led to the development of human interactions through the internet. Awed by the sheer power of computers, I realized that this was a significant point in history. The quote was now quite achievable with the next digital revolution.
By exposing myself to technological opportunities near Silicon Valley, I developed a deep understanding in technology. My transition into the digital age sparked early in my life where technology was the only language that I could converse with my peers. Innovation, communication, invention and entrepreneurship were injected into me. Technology inspired me to believe that nothing was impossible, and still does to this very day. Consequently, I became a more proficient person, helping friends and family by fixing their computers or by picking out their new computer parts. Transitioning between computer savvy to internet guru, I have gained a deep sense of how the internet functions. In my junior year of high school, I became a Web Entrepreneur. At once, my internet achievements reminded me that "One World and No Strangers" was not just possible, but probable. The foundations of interlaying network of existing technologies serve as a solid interface for interaction between humans all over the world. I realized then that the "bridge of technology" was not just my personal bridge to strangers, but rather a bridge to a world without strangers.
But even in this modern era, that bridge hasn't been finished yet. In fact, it might take many, many years, decades even. However, finishing the bridge is my lifelong ambition because people yearn for a more connected world. I hope to be a vanguard of technology so that I can help break the boundaries of technologies so that we can better utilize technology to finish that bridge so that we may create a world without strangers.
Please help!
Good evening :)
I have edited the first paragraph of your piece and included more general comments in regards to the rest:
"I remember a phrase I had heard years ago that intrigued me: "One World and No StrangersThe "O" should be the only capitalized letter here. ." I was struck by its utterly simple, yet profound meaning. When I moved to America from Hong Kong, my stunted English always stood between me and the other children; however, it did not hamper me from fixing computers for those that encountered problems. My short, punctuated keystrokes and hurried clicks would melt stubborn, frozen screens, to the enormous excitement of the owner. On more than one occasion, this connection was the sole foundation for a strong friendship, and I realized that technology would become the bridge for me to interact with everyone else. With the help of technology, I soon assimilated into my new culture."
There should be a comma after "invention."
"Web Entrepreneur" isn't a proper noun, so it shouldn't be capitalized.
Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."
Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "hasn't" should be "has not."
In regards to content, I think you've got a great response here. It is well organized, it has nice flow, and the transitions are smooth. You answer all of the aspects of the prompt, and do it with enough detail to keep your audience interested. Nice work!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thanks.
my final draft
Before I moved to America, I always remembered a phrase I that I had heard in my childhood that intrigued me: "One world and no strangers." Even at a young age, I was impressed by its utterly short, yet profound meaning. To me it was a phrase that could be simple yet beyond comprehension as hundreds of languages and cultural differences separated us all. You might say that it was peculiar that the phrase's meaning followed me to America.
When I moved to America from Hong Kong, my stunted English was always a barrier between me and the other children. But it did not stop me from fixing computers. My brief, confident keystrokes and decisive clicks would melt the stubborn, frozen screens, to squeals of excitement of the owner. On more than one occasion, this connection was the sole foundation for a strong friendship. It occurred to me that technology would become the bridge for me to interact with everyone else. With the help of that "bridge of technology", I soon assimilated into my new culture.
Living thirty minutes from Silicon Valley, I seized the opportunities I had to take my technical progress to the next level. Silicon Valley soon became my "playground of technology" as I swung and leapt from its swings. I had access to the latest and best advancements the world had to offer. By the age of eleven, I was already irreversibly swept up in the internet phenomenon. The exponential growth of innovations from the world of computers bedazzled me. Computers were increasing in power and flexibility so rapidly that I discovered that I was involved in one of the most defining decades in history, in one of the most important places in the world. Scientists across the globe were marveled by Moore's law, which predicted the exponential growth in computer technology. I, at that time, hoped that armed with Moore's law, my childhood quote could be achieved on a large scale basis with the next digital revolution.
By exposing myself to the technological opportunities near Silicon Valley, I developed a deep understanding of technology. My transition into the digital age sparked early in my life when technology was the only language that I use to converse with my peers. Innovation, communication, invention and entrepreneurship were injected into me. I utilized the latest technology, pioneered uses for the internet in meeting customers' needs and started my own, successful business model. What enthralled me among all of this was that there was no age limit for entrepreneurs in the digital world. Technology inspired me to believe that nothing was impossible and still does to this very day.
Ultimately, I became a more proficient person, helping friends and family by fixing their computers as well as running my own website business. During my transition from computer to internet oriented, I gained a deep sense of how the internet functioned. In my junior year of high school, I became a web entrepreneur. Today, I can see this world forming around me, and rather than simply be at the receiving end, I take satisfaction that I am building this world by the byte by byte. At once, my internet achievements reminded me that "One world and no strangers" was not just possible, but probable. If technology could bridge my culture gap, it has the power to do the same for millions of others and perhaps slowly remove the largest barrier to unfamiliarity: distance. This incredible possibility was my burning motivation and I wanted to build part of this bridge. I realized then that the "bridge of technology" was not just my personal bridge to strangers, but rather a bridge between all in a world without strangers.
