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I hope to work as a accountant or as an IT security consultant - My Personal Statement

heylaa 1 / 2  
Mar 15, 2018   #1
Hi, pls do help to review my essay for my uni application. Thanks in advance!

Describe an exceptional achievement and/or lesson learned in your academic or work experience. How would your experiences support your choice of programme(s)? What are your plan(s) upon graduation? (300 words)

Personal Statement For University

During my final year project, I led four male classmates to code a mobile app for KK Women and Children Hospital. This is by far the toughest obstacle that I had faced as we were required to learn a new technology and be proficient enough to code the app within a short timeframe.

Nevertheless, I told myself not to give up. Rather than be defeated by it, I fought hard and stayed up until the wee hours to watch online tutorials as well as learning through trial and error to get my functionalities work. Fast forward just 2 weeks before the deadline, I not only manage to produce the core functionalities but also improvised and coded out additional functions on top of the project requirements. This has not only taught me to be committed and focused even if the task on hand is challenging or difficult and has also taught me the importance of managing people in a business context which is essential in the accounting world.

In my course, I have also undertaken an accounting module which allows me to learn concepts such as income statements and this has fuelled my passion in accounting ever since. This experiences has support my choice of programme as I feel that as an accountant, not only do I need solid accounting knowledge but also soft skills such as leadership as well as communication skills which are of paramount importance.

Upon graduation, I would like to work as an accountant in an accounting firm where I provide key financial information to help facilitate business decisions.

Because of my determination of gaining valuable knowledge in the field of accounting as well as a strong background of IT and business, I am keen toundetake bachelor of accounting.
flykitten 5 / 9 4  
Mar 17, 2018   #2
Hi heylaa,

I think the first paragraph will be better if you tell about the outcome of the mobile app and how you finally work with your teammates.

This example will show a specific strength of yourself in working in a team and overcome challenges.

For the second paragraph, try to use the stronger words. For instance:
Hope = is going to...
I earnestly hope = I am convinced, I strongly believe, etc
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,742 3794  
Mar 17, 2018   #3
Jasmine, your response is too short. You have 300 words to maximize your explanation. Utilize it. Expand your discussion. If possible, choose an experience that creates more of a connection between your academic experience and your chose profession. You took too much of a shortcut in your presentation of both aspects of the essay so that the reviewer may think you just made up this story in order to respond to the prompt. The essay lacks details that would prove how this experience helped to lead you towards your choice of college major. Be more specific about how this project challenged your leadership abilities. Showcase what leadership skills you displayed in order to get the team to cooperate and achieve a cohesive final output. This current version is not only short in information, but it also lacks imagination and an interesting presentation. It has a lot of room for improvement and at least 200 words more that you can use to develop a more engaging presentation. I strongly urge you to use it.

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