Your hopes and plans for your development' Rough Draft for Oberlin Conservatory Essay

Hello! Please critique. Be harsh if you have to! I am a high school senior that wants to pursue a career in vocal performance as a soprano at Oberlin's Conservatory and would love any comments that can make this essay better. It is VERY rough, and I plan to make this paper absolutely beautiful.

If you get bored, I need to know where and why, and please tell me how to improve!
Thank you SO MUCH :)

Topic: Write an essay in which you describe your hopes and plans for your educational and professional development during the next ten years. Include such aspects as diverse interests, career goals, and options you wish to explore.

The Start to a Promising Decade

Every mid-afternoon, the car door slams as I glance at the house in front of me. The garage opens steadily, and I gather my belongings to enter the structure I've lived in for nearly 18 years. I hear the all familiar 'How was school?" from my father, in which I reply with the unchanging reply of "Good". I then head upstairs to the comfort of my room. Opposed to the unexcited entrance I give when I enter my home, it's up in my untidy room where my personality flourishes. Upon the walls are a variety of programs, and show tickets shielding the purple walls from the arid energy that could possibly enter the space. As I walk towards my desk to release the stress of school, I catch the glimpse of my ancient 'Rock Band' microphone. Grasping the device, I took a deep breath in and was reminded of why I dedicate countless hours of time to complete my music theory packets. My dream of bowing to a sold out crowd could be a reality. I am, and will always be, a performer.

Despite the genre typically sung through a 'Rock Band' microphone, I would prefer performing Mozart's Queen of the Night. Mozart never ceases to amaze me with such pieces as Dixit Dominus and Alleluja from Requiem, but with an aria like Queen of the Night, it takes hard work and expert voice control. By the time I reach the age of 27, I will be an expert in the art of singing as a cultura soprano by not only receiving a bachelor's degree in performance, but also a Master's. My life will be dedicated to helping others achieve their dream of singing both professionally and casually. At the end of the day, I would have perform Elija's 'Thanks Be to God' in the Chicago Symphany Chorus and would come home to a husband with open arms with him asking how the concert went. But in order for me to achieve my goals of being a voice teacher and choir performer, I will have to dedicate hours of my time to build not only my instrument, but my experiences.

As Maureen Forrester once said," Singing beautiful melodies is one thing, but to deliver the text so that the people understand it, even in a foreign language, has to be worked at very hard." I, as a singer, must master the art of interpreting a piece by not only knowing the melody, but by portraying the message the lyrics have to offer. In that case, it is crucial for me to understand another language. I plan to learn Italian, not only because most classical songs are sung in that languages, but because it is my goal to communicate with others in a language other than English. It would be a breathtaking experience if I could study abroad to Italy to experience life in a different perspective, and to broaden my linguistic understanding and musical experiences by watching Opera performances. The world speaks many languages, so it is beneficial to communicate in different ways.

Operas always fascinate me. Actors can portray such complex characters through their movement and the jaw-dropping way they sing their songs. But with my passionate love for Musical Theatre, Operas are foreign to me. That is why I am keen to learning about what it is like to perform in an Opera opposed to a musical like Spring Awakening. Broadening my musical genre would be great, for it will give me a range of songs I can perform for viewers on my YouTube channel. It would be quite a change from performing A Chorus Lines' 'Music and the Mirror' to Candide's 'Glitter and be Gay'. In addition to performing in an Opera, it would be an honor to sing in the 'Nothing But Treble' A Capella group. Aside from the classic repertoire I would develop, modern pieces would be an entertaining way for me to have fun on campus.

It takes a lot of time and effort for one to have a successful future. With dedication, I know that I will have a remarkable future because of the college that pushed me to become the singer I will be.

This is a great piece.
Few minor issues I noticed:


Tense is inconsistent here and the first sentence seems weird: how do you release the stress at your desk? did you just stop midway to your desk and run to grab the microphone? if the microphone is at your desk, 'catch a glimpse' might not be the best phrase to describe seeing it, even though it sounds sophisticated.


And that's the only reason? YouTube channel? I mean, it's legit, but doesn't sound too impressive just by itself.


I believe you wanted to use 'language' here.


Who has the open arms? I personally got confused while reading this. Also, that creates a parallel with the first paragraph where your dad asks you how the school was, whether you wanted such a parallel or not. Assuming the 'Good' answer is pretty meaningless and automatic reply to a general I-have-to-ask-this question, not sure it creates a good association. But I could've easily gotten you and your intentions wrong - in that case, I'm sorry, and you might also want to make it more clear.

Overall, it's pretty impressive and gives a direct answer to the prompt questions. Good luck!

Not wanting to seem selfish, but would you mind talking a glance at my transfer essay? Yours shows your personality a great deal, and I'm afraid it's what mine lacks.