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The Horizon: I need help on how to improve my UC personal statement prompt #1


collegeboundme 1 / -  
Sep 22, 2010   #1
The Horizon

Growing up as a bi-cultural, Hmong girl in Fresno, I never felt I could go this far in life, without a positive role model to look upon and uneducated parent. I never thought I could succeed. I faced many hardships throughout my life and sometimes it is hard to stay strong when nothing goes right and everything goes wrong. Life is arduous and doesn't stop for anyone, people change; things disappear, while sorrow comes in between but I never stop to waste time. Like many immigrant family, we came to America to strive for the American dream. The dream of success and the dream to become a person who would leave the world satisfy with life.

In America, my parents encountered many difficulties. My parents not being educated, from a young age I was the one they depended on to translate and to fill out forms for them. Eventually I became the one to help them with paper works and help them with everything they didn't know how to do. Everywhere they went I also went to help translate. Financially, my parents made little money and sometimes only enough in two weeks of work to pay our small, three bedroom apartment for the ten of us. They work daily to keep us under a roof and put food on the table. Some nights we had barely enough food to keep us from hunger. I felt ashamed and embarrass of myself because my family wasn't like other families, we weren't rich nor were we always happy. When I was young I witnessed many of my parent's argument about money and family problems, it was very crucial for me as a child because I felt helpless.

I remember last few summer years; I made myself work at the farm, picking tomatoes for two dollars a bucket to earn money for myself and my extra-curricular activities. My family was always going through financial issues. This inspired me strive harder for what I wanted to do. I wanted an education to have more opportunities of what I want to do and not what I can do only. I understand how my parents went through to keep us alive, I felt that I had to be the change, the one to help my parents in the future and the one to be independent. I came to accept the fact that life will never be fair but I will manage through and better improve my own future. I realize that I am responsible for my younger siblings' future as well, either I break it or I make in being a role model for them. I realize I was part of something that I can never run away from now matter how far I go, or who I become, I am important and I am the one who eventually will open a new path for my siblings to follow.
mylittlegoni 3 / 11  
Sep 23, 2010   #2
"I never felt I could go this far in life"
'this far is very vague, try and be more specific, what achievement is it that you are talking about?

"I faced many hardships throughout my life and sometimes it is hard to stay strong when nothing goes right and everything goes wrong ."

this is a great sentence, it shows that you are very strong, the end is a bit redundant though

"...a person who would leave the world satisfied with life."

"In America, my parents encountered many difficulties My parents not being educated due to their lack of education.F rom a young age..."

"three bedroom apartment for the ten of us."
this is a very strong point, and good to state, however, it might also be helpful to mention that you came from a big family earlier in the essay as well.

"I remember last few summer years"
This should be rephrased

This is a good essay, it shows how strong you are, however until the very last sentence or so you never mention one good thing about your life, try adding something that is a bit happier to it. maybe your love for your family, or relation to your siblings.

I too am an immigrant and can relate to a lot of what you said.
i hope this helps,
Good Luck!


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