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In the hospitable bed, UF Essay: Meaningful Experience


Obie55 2 / 1  
Oct 30, 2008   #1
Hey I could really use a set of eyes on this essay and some feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

As I lay motionless in the hospitable bed, still woozy from the anesthetics, I slowly started to take in my surroundings; a pale white room with a single chair facing my bed, a loud beeping emanating from a computer screen displaying my vitals, and about seven different tubes protruding from my arms and neck. It was somewhere in this confusion and unfamiliarity that I began to realize that from this moment on, my life would never be as easy as it used to be.

My back "problems" started for the first time during my freshman year in high school. While conditioning with the lacrosse team for the upcoming season, the tendons located in my legs suddenly seized up during sprints and caused a stress fracture in my lower spine. The doctor told me that it was extremely unlikely that I would be able to play at all for the rest of the lacrosse season. After much rehabilitation and weeks of physical therapy, I regained the ability to run full speed with only minimal pain. However, during my junior year, I fractured my back snowboarding, this time in two regions on the same vertebrae. My orthopedist, (who I'd come to know very well over the past three years), told me that my one of my vertebrae was almost completely severed and that without surgery, I could potentially risk lower body paralysis.

Leonardo da Vinci once said "Obstacles cannot crush me. Every obstacle yields to stern resolve. He who is fixed to a star does not change his mind." It's been 4 months and 8 days since I came off of the operating table and everyday since then I have struggled to reclaim my "former life." Even to this day, I still have the feeling that I'm trapped in a different body, a weaker body. But with each new day, I strive to better myself both physically and mentally. I refuse to let this obstacle stand in my way to a brighter future. It is this dedication and perseverance that I believe I will bring with me to the University of Florida.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 30, 2008   #2
Good afternoon.

The only thing I noticed about this piece was a contraction- "I'd." Make sure you avoid these in academic writing, as they are inappropriate and many instructors will count down for their use. Other than that, this is a fantastic essay. Concise, but with enough detail to keep your audience interested. Your tone is strong and confident, both very important in an essay such as this. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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