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"in the hospital with my brother" - The day that changed my life


atf1411 1 / 1  
Oct 25, 2010   #1
Good enough for a college essay? Be honest!

Why do you want to be a nurse?

I was dead asleep when all of the sudden I felt like an earthquake was shaking the entire room. I drearily awoke thinking my brother was fooling around and jumping on the bed. I sat up and yelled at him to knock it off. He did not respond and I was instantly hit with shock. I felt dread in the pit of my stomach and realized something was tremendously wrong. I tried screaming, but nothing came out. I cleared my throat and tried screaming again. Much to my despair, nothing came out once again. My brother was lying in the bed next to me unable to stop shaking and not responding to my desperate cries. I finally built up the courage to jump out of bed and run to my parents room. Even though their room was right next to mine it felt like I was running for miles. I finally arrived to their room terrified and shaken, I screamed in attempts to wake them.

The lights flashed, the sirens screamed loudly. I sat there quietly waiting in my grandparents' room. The pale walls, the flowery patterns, and frilly pillows, were all I could look at. I wasn't quite sure what was going on. Strangers filled the rooms around me, shouting and talking. Then I blinked and everything seemed to vanish. The strangers had left our home including the rest of my family, they were gone.

My nana came into the room to check on me. She quietly sat down next to me and pulled me in close to her. She told me that Richard had to be taken to the hospital. No one knew what was wrong. She told me how brave I was and did the right thing by waking them up and telling them that something was wrong with Richard. I soon questioned why she thanked me for telling them something was wrong. As brother and sister, you are supposed to look out for each other. He was soon diagnosed with epilepsy, which is a brain disorder involving spontaneous seizures of any type. There is medicine to treat it, but nothing seemed to be working for him. I was terrified at first to stay home with my own brother alone, but soon realized I have to help him in any way I can. I put my fear aside and stayed home with him. I had to call nine-one-one several times, but I taught myself how to stay calm even though so much was going on around me. I soon realized I wanted to help others who were in similar situations as my brother.

While being in the hospital with my brother, I have watched nurses, doctors and specialists do their job. Nursing was definitely my desire. They got to interact with patients more than doctors, and nurses seemed to be the ones to make my brother smile. I would love to be able to comfort sick, scared kids and their families. It would be such a rewarding experience for me.I also wants to make a difference in people's lives just like the nurses have for my brother and family. I have been around nurses long enough now to know their duties and now how hard they must work. Pediatric Nursing sparked my interest because I have always wanted to work with kids, but I also wanted to take care of them. Most would say my life experiences would scare me away from the medical field, but it has only encouraged me to help others.
Absinthe 2 / 5  
Oct 25, 2010   #2
Hi Ashley,
i really like your paper! It's impressive!
But you use lots of the space to describe the event. I think maybe you can express your feelings and talk about yourself more.

emmm my own idea.
GL~
OP atf1411 1 / 1  
Oct 25, 2010   #3
I revised it a little and tried to make it a little bit more about me! hopefully its a little better!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 31, 2010   #4
apostrophe:
... and run to my parents' room.

Watch out for this kind of sentence:
I soon realized I wanted to help others who were in similar situations as my brother.---You can tell it is not quite right, but how can it be fixed? ... were in situations similar to that of my ...

:-)

Below, I'll cut some unimportant words and add an s to "job."
While being in the hospital with my brother, I have watched nurses, doctors and specialists do their jobs . ----Writing always gets better when you cut out all the unnecessary words, just like weeding a garden. Try to find some other unimportant words to cut, and the essay will be more powerful.

** It is a good idea to google for "nursing philosophy." Also, google this: nursing empathy transcultural research based philosophy
MarinaXD 1 / 6  
Oct 31, 2010   #5
think of ways to start off your sentences without the word I. in the beginning, it feels very fragmented, however i do like your essay=]
erinK_07 1 / 3  
Oct 31, 2010   #6
I would try to explain more about why you want to be a nurse specifically. You say you want to help others and that they were the ones who made your brother smile, but try to be a little bit more specific about what is attracting you to the profession. Good luck!
ylee11 7 / 11  
Oct 31, 2010   #7
I liked the first paragraph how you described your panic but it seems like the essay gets more distracting as it goes along. Your conclusion seems a bit cliche. try to talk more of your desire in more vivid language


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