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"looking up at the hospital ceiling tiles" - GW - My Most Interesting Mistake


Jpuck 4 / 28  
Dec 30, 2010   #1
Still most definitely a work in progress, I'm not certain that this is even the essay I will use. Any feedback/criticism would be helpful and very much appreciated.

Prompt: "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." - A. Einstein.
Describe your most interesting mistake.

I remember looking up at the hospital ceiling tiles - a bunch of my clinic friends had painted endearing designs on them so that kids in extensive hospital stays would not feel alone, or scared. I let out an exasperated sigh and apologized to my mom, my crooked nose still throbbing against my face.

I couldn't believe I had done it. Taken my health for granted and landed myself back into the dwelling that I had worked so hard to escape - the hospital. I was ten years old, and I had broken my nose. For the average child/parent this would be a non-issue, it was just a broken nose. For me, however, this emphasized my mom's point - if I got just a little bit of freedom, I would get too comfortable and take stupid risks. I guess you could say my most interesting mistake was not listening to my mom, but that's not very interesting, so I'll go with taking my health into my own hands.

At the age of seventeen I am a lot more responsible for my health than I used to be. Before, I depended on my mom, or my grandma or my aunt to take care of me. Now, however, I am the one in charge. You see, I've been sick most of my life. And when I say sick, I don't mean a cough here or there, I mean chronically, life threateningly-ill. Lately, however, my health has been the most stable it has ever been and my mom wants to make sure it stays that way, and bars me from taking any "stupid risks".

By being held accountable for my health I have learned not to do things without thinking about the consequences first. As a result of all the health issues I experienced in my youth and still deal with today I am much more wary of the world around me.

I am very much a forward thinker because of my run-ins with my doctors. My mistake of taking my health into my own hands at age 10 has left me with the ability to see things coming before they happen, and to analyze a situation before I decide to put myself in it. I take my health very seriously, and all the things that come with it. As a result, I skipped all of the "rites of passage" associated with being a teenager and have lived not to regret it

What I considered to be a mistake at age 10 has helped me become more responsible both for myself and for my actions.
vienna_v 3 / 6  
Dec 30, 2010   #2
"would not feel alone, or scared."

"Taken my health for granted,and landingmyself back into the dwelling that I had worked so hard to escape: the hospital."


I would change "dwelling" to another word... maybe place or building? Dwelling makes it seem like a house.

"I am very much a forward thinker because of my run-ins with my doctors; the mistake of taking my health into my own hands at age 10 has left me with the ability to see things coming before they happen, and to analyze a situation before I decide to put myself in it."

Just a few corrections. :)

Could you take a look at my Princeton essay? Thanks!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 26, 2011   #3
You can't start that sentence with the word "taken." It has to be connected to the previous sentence:
...believe I had taken my ...

health for granted and landed myself back into the dwelling ...

Okay, I see what you mean. You were not inspired when you write this, so it took you a long time to get to the point. And it has to be interesting, but you can't make it interesting without giving details. Tell a story. This has a lot of potential, but you have to get inspired and cut a lot of content from the beginning of the essay. At the beginning of the new draft, be sure to include in the intro paragraph a SENTENCE that is very interesting. You need to specify a mistake that is interesting enough to be interesting when expressed in one sentence. You can do it! :-)


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