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Hosting a charity event-Common App short


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Oct 19, 2010   #1
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).

It was last Christmas that for the first time I perceived my own ignorance. As I planned for my Christmas charity event, I overlooked a vital factor which is that participants are of paramount importance to the entire event. I have always thought that people were all passionate as I am and they would be delighted to participate. However, I was utterly disappointed after I handed out my invitation. Some excuses, which are actually from adults, were outright lies. Perhaps my sincerity made them think I was also naiveté. Rather than succumbing to my defeat, I continued to urge others to participate and advocated child poverty in our school and neighbourhoods. At certain times I just completely refused to give in. My persistency, to some extent, made me to do some seemingly ridiculous actions. I remember clearly that as I slipped an invitation through my neighbour's door, the paper was shoved back out. Forgetting proper demeanour, I forced the paper back in. Although my neighbour may see that paper as nothing but trouble, I see it as an embodiment of my passion, desire and hope. To deny that paper, was as the same as to demolish my dream. Thus, my continuing endeavour to success was eventually achieved.

Total word coun 207 so i will have to cut down for sure.

Thank you your help.
Zeinab1383 5 / 43  
Oct 20, 2010   #2
Hi Yiheng Ren
I really loved your essay. especially this part

Rather than succumbing to my defeat, I continued to urge others to participate ...

I can use it in my future essays ;)
I tried to make some changes and compress your essay!

It was last Christmas that for the first time I perceived my own ignorance . As I planned for my Christmas charity event, I overlooked a vital factor which is that participants are of paramount ...

I have always thought that people were are all passionate as I am and they would be delighted to participate .
... after I handed out my invitations . Some excuses, which are actually ...
Perhaps my sincerity made them think I was also naiveté.
... urge others to participate and advocated child poverty in our school and neighbou rhoods.
My persistency, to some extent, made me to do some seemingly ridiculous actions. I remember clearly that as I slipped an invitation through my neighbour's ...
Zeinab1383 5 / 43  
Oct 20, 2010   #3
Hi Yiheng Ren
I really loved your essay. especially this part

Rather than succumbing to my defeat, I continued to urge others to participate and advocated child poverty in our school and neighbourhoods.

I can use it in my future essays ;)
I tried to make some changes and compress your essay!

It was last Christmas that for the first time I perceived my own ignorance . As I planned for my Christmas charity event, I overlooked a vital factor which is that participants are of paramount ... I have always thought that people wereare all passionate as I am and they would be delighted to participate .

... after I handed out my invitations . Some excuses,which are actually from adults, were outright lies. Perhaps my sincerity made them think I was also naiveté. At certain times, I just completely refused to give in. My persistency, to some extent, made me to do some seemingly ridiculous actions. I remember clearly that as I slipped an invitation ...

... I continued to urge others to participate and advocated child poverty in our school and neighbou rhoods.

It is now 161 words. may you yourself can delet some words.I also rearranged some sentences.

It was last Christmas. As I planned for my charity event, I overlooked a vital factor which is participants are of paramount importance to the entire event. I have always thought that people are all passionate as I am. However, I was utterly disappointed after I handed out my invitations. Some excuses from adults, were outright lies. At certain times, I just completely refused to give in. I remember that as I slipped an invitation through my neighbour's door, the paper was shoved back out. Forgetting proper demeanour, I forced the paper back in. Although my neighbour may see that paper as nothing but trouble, I see it as an embodiment of my passion, desire and hope. To deny that paper, was as the same as to demolish my dream. Rather than succumbing to my defeat, I continued to urge others to participate and advocate child poverty in our school and neighborhoods. Thus, my continuing endeavour to success was eventually achieved.
essaysdonequick /  
Oct 20, 2010   #4
Hello,

I have graded this essay based on a matrix that we use at Essays Quickly. Your essay received a grade of 74/100. This is a good start. You have managed to kill two birds with one stone by intertwining a past experience, where you took a leadership roll, with volunteer work. However, it appears that you have a slight problem with word choice as words such as "naiveté," "succumbing to my defeat," and "persisistency" have no place in this short essay. Honestly, as a former admissions officer at a top 10 American University, this essay does not help you at all. It is not powerful and it does not show mastery of the English language. It also fails to show how this experience really impacted and changed you for the better. While this essay does show that you are persistent, phrases such as "forced the paper back in" display arrogance and stubbornness. We can help you make this essay glow. We can also help you portray your softer gentler side in a way that also benefits you as a person.
OP ahren 1 / 2  
Oct 20, 2010   #5
Ah, i see. Thank you for your answers. These informations will help me alot.

A side note. Isnt website promotion no allowed in such fourm as this one?
jazzmeen 3 / 15  
Oct 20, 2010   #6
hi! maybe you should focus more on your neighbor event, so it would add a personal touch to your answer, explain what you felt and so..plus..i dont see a conclusion :/ it just stops..anyway the grammar and word usage is ok to me

hope this helps
essaysdonequick /  
Oct 21, 2010   #7
A side note: The "arrogance" I mention has reared its head once again.
It's amazing just how much these essays tell us admissions officers about students. This is why so much emphasis is now being placed on admissions essays. They really provide a glimpse into the type of person you are.
OP ahren 1 / 2  
Oct 21, 2010   #8
So like a more personal touch. More about how i felt rather than merely describing the event?

Thank you for your response.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 24, 2010   #9
It was last Christmas that for the first time I perceived my own ignorance.

I'm intrigued by this first line!

One way to write great material is to use action verbs when you can. I'll add "take" here:
My persistence , to some extent, made me to do take some seemingly ridiculous actions.

I like this:
Forgetting proper demeanour, I forced the paper back in.

Thus, my continuing endeavour to envisioned success was eventually achieved.

this essay does not help you at all. It is not powerful and it does not show mastery of the English language.

Well, I think some AO readers are interested in more than mastery of the English language... well, what I mean is that this level of mastery is sufficient, because in these globalizing times English is taking lots of different forms. And to me, it was powerful, because the refusal to take back the paper as a symbol for singlemindedness that trumps even one's sense of etiquette is something that resonated with me in a cool way.

But won't it be even better if that refusal to take no for an answer was part of your long term "mission" that compels you to choose XXXXXXX as the profession you want to enter? How can you extend the implications of this essay so that it leaves the reader thinking about your future in your chosen field?
boramk 1 / 3  
Oct 24, 2010   #10
Oh my, this is really good! I don't see any flaws! I liked the use of grammar as well, it definitely puts you above the rest ;)
iishine 4 / 6  
Oct 25, 2010   #11
Hi, Yiheng Ren
your essay is very good , I hope i can make one like yours.
by the way, i applaud your honest efforts on charity events, but some sentence "I have always thought that people were all passionate as I am and they would be delighted to participate. However, I was utterly disappointed after I handed out my invitation. Some excuses, which are actually from adults, were outright lies. " will make other people feel like being imposed your willingness on them. Maybe them have their own way to do some work for charity.


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