Hi Yiheng Ren
I really loved your essay. especially this part
Rather than succumbing to my defeat, I continued to urge others to participate and advocated child poverty in our school and neighbourhoods.
I can use it in my future essays ;)
I tried to make some changes and compress your essay!
It was last Christmas
that for the first time I perceived my own ignorance . As I planned for my
Christmas charity event, I overlooked a vital factor which is
that participants are of paramount ... I have always thought that people
wereare all passionate as I am
and they would be delighted to participate .
... after I handed out my invitation
s . Some excuses
,which are actually from adults, were outright lies.
Perhaps my sincerity made them think I was also naiveté. At certain times, I just completely refused to give in.
My persistency, to some extent, made me to do some seemingly ridiculous actions. I remember
clearly that as I slipped an invitation ...
... I continued to urge others to participate and advocate
d child poverty in our school and neighbo
u rhoods.
It is now 161 words. may you yourself can delet some words.I also rearranged some sentences.
It was last Christmas. As I planned for my charity event, I overlooked a vital factor which is participants are of paramount importance to the entire event. I have always thought that people are all passionate as I am. However, I was utterly disappointed after I handed out my invitations. Some excuses from adults, were outright lies. At certain times, I just completely refused to give in. I remember that as I slipped an invitation through my neighbour's door, the paper was shoved back out. Forgetting proper demeanour, I forced the paper back in. Although my neighbour may see that paper as nothing but trouble, I see it as an embodiment of my passion, desire and hope. To deny that paper, was as the same as to demolish my dream. Rather than succumbing to my defeat, I continued to urge others to participate and advocate child poverty in our school and neighborhoods. Thus, my continuing endeavour to success was eventually achieved.