Hi everyone. I am applying to Johns Hopkins, and I need some help on my short answer! I welcome any criticism. Thanks in advance!
A Typical student at Johns Hopkins spends less than 15 hours each week in a classroom, leaving lots of time for volunteer opportunities, clubs and organizations, athletics, social events, and other on- and off-campus activities. Aside from the academic interests you've already expressed, in what activities do you plan to engage as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins? (250 words maximum)
I visited The Johns Hopkins University when I traveled to Baltimore over the summer. Walking onto the campus, the diverse society quickly gave me a warm sense of belonging. I love a place where I can share my culture without feeling out of place, and talk about my customs with people from all over the world. When I visited the Office of Student Activities, I envisioned myself getting involved in a wide range of activities. I am currently the president of the science club, and I want to apply my experiences to different science events in college, such as competitions and conferences. In addition, I value the opportunity to start my own organization at Hopkins and contribute to the diversity of the student groups. While at Hopkins, I also hope to further my passion in volunteering at a hospital. I am currently volunteering at Kaiser Permanente hospital, and I would love to continue volunteering at the Johns Hopkins hospital and help provide better services to people in need. Besides its clubs and volunteer opportunities, Hopkins also has much to offer athletically. Since I am always passionate about taekwondo, I believe the Hopkins Taekwondo school is a perfect place for me to hone my skills. Under the instruction of Mike Barry, I dream of an opportunity to represent Hopkins at tournament, sparring against other players for the Blue Jays. With the wide range of programs and clubs that Hopkins provided, my time away from the classroom is sure to be filled with joy and excitement.
Wow, it seems like you have a lot under your belt here! :) I'm sure Hopkins would love that!
The problem is, I think your interests are not presented in an interesting way. Every new extracurricular that you mention is tied into your supplement the same way.
Your supplement shows that you have a wide range of interests and a sincere interest in JHU, but it lacks a creativity element that will certainly distinguish you from other people applying.
It is a well written essay and it shows that you know the university well which is good. The first few sentences seem a slightly unnecessary however as they dont deal with the essays main point. I think you could make the essay better by merging them to form one smaller sentence, or just replace them with something completely new. Hope this helps. And please check out my common app essay if you have the time =)
I'm not going to lie - it's a bit boring. Maybe you should somehow convert it into a story?
I hope you're not applying to BME... this essay will surely get you rejected.
Thank you so much guys!
I think it's a bit boring too. I think I will rewrite it and make it more interesting.
It will be better if you divide it into paragraphs so that you can make your main points at the beginning and end of paragraphs. Paragraphs are very useful!
Also, you can use the word "various" instead of "different" when you are talking about science events.
You know, you create a really nice feeling for the reader when you mention a feeling of belonging at the beginning of this and joy at the end. You wrote it in a way that will make a good impression!
I like it, it shows hows involved you are and plan to take the to JHU. I do agree with making it a little bit more creative in your writing, but besides that its good.
