Topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The most impacting day of my life occurred one Sunday morning in August, 2008. At around five o'clock in the morning, I was awoken abruptly by my older brother. He was screaming that we had to get out of the house immediately. When I opened my eyes, everything was hazy and smoky and I was very disconcerted. It took me a few seconds to realize that, as I staggered by the kitchen to get to the front door, the kitchen was on fire.
When we escaped the smoky atmosphere of the house, my dad was not with us. Horrible thoughts flooded my mind wondering if my dad was hurt, or even out of the house. Thankfully, he came around the side of the house soon after unhurt, except for the cut on his forehead. About five minutes passed before a police officer arrived and another 5 minutes before the fire truck arrived. In that amount of time, I witnessed the intense emotional distress on my dad's face. At that moment I knew that I had to be strong mentally for both my dad and my brother. We ended up losing our house that day, but we were all able to move into my mom's small apartment. Even though this event was very traumatizing, I tried my best to look forward in life and be positive about what could come out of this experience. The most important goal I had in mind was giving my family all the support I could possibly give.
Most people thought this incident would detrimentally affect my life, but instead it had the opposite effect. As a result, I became a stronger person by learning how to control my emotions and handle bad situations in a logical manner. I also grew to be more ambitious and driven by being more studious with my schoolwork, responsible with my chores and deadlines, and involved in my school and community. Life is unpredictable and can be quickly taken away or completely changed at any moment, and from this day I learned to never take it for granted.
I think it's a great topic, but there are some minor adjustments you should make. It helps to start your personal statement with a "hook," or sentence that catches the reader's attention, instead of a generic one that states the date of the event. Even the second sentence would be a fine way to start your narrative.
Also, you effectively describe the event, but give little insight to your reaction and how you felt. The reader wants to get to know you better as a person, and so the more you can describe your immediate/initial reactions, the better.
While it's great that you grew from this experience, it's a bit confusing how the fire caused you " to be more ambitious and driven by being more studious with my schoolwork, responsible with my chores and deadlines, and involved in my school and community." If you can clarify this, and the last paragraph, that would be excellent.
Good luck!
