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"Hubris and my humble experience" - Describing personal issue that meant alot to me


adex 2 / 9  
Nov 19, 2010   #1
Good day guys. i want you to please review my essay for better editing.thanks i really appreciates this so much.

PROMPT
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

Feeling as if the world is about to come to an end, I immediately went home, get into my room and lock myself up. Ruminating for the whole day, I asked myself series of questions. Such as: How on earth will I succeed in this great task? How will I speak effectively facing thousands of people? What if I failed? The next day I went to the library get books on public speaking and I began to learn the principles of Perfect Speech Delivery. Of all the books I came across I was fascinated by Dale Carnegie's book "Principles of Public speaking". I learned about Preparation, self- confidence and Originality to mention a few.

After few days of serious thought I finally got a topic for my speech "Maximizing all Possibilities". Moreover, I developed the topic, study the speech, memorized and digest it. Every day, I give my speech while standing in front of the mirror talking to empty chairs. At first this seems unreasonable but became reasonable as I improved day after days. Besides I will say to myself while gazing at the mirror "If I can perceive I can believe, if I can believe I can conceive, if I can conceive I can achieve". However, the night before the convention I had a nice dinner, rest and relax my nerves.

On August 12th 2004(The day of the convention) I got to the convention venue very early so as to calm down and cool off every anxiety. Sitting down on the special seat prepared for me, I was amazed and confused at the number of the congregation. After several minutes the moderator called me to deliver my speech. My heart ran three hundred miles per minute; but I said to myself "Yes I can do it". As I mount the podium I wear a nice smile and look straight to the congregation. I began the speech by interacting with the congregation asking those questions about their potentials so as to win their attention. This was successful because there were a lot of responses from the congregation. My confidence increased as the atmosphere becomes more interacting. Within a twinkling of an eye I received a standing ovation. As I was leaving the auditorium, one of the Teen's Mentors approached me and said "OH! What a great performance, you never told me you are a great speaker. More power to your elbow".

Without hubris, this humble experience had really shape my personality in every areas of life. The palpable result is the transmission of this so called ME.I began to see a new me, ready to combat every of life's challenges. Mathematics has been my weaker areas due to the phobia I always display toward arithmetic. However, the new me decided to meet the challenge giving more times to practice. Whenever I remember the successful outing of the speech delivery, it inculcates this special confidence in me. Owing to this, logical Mathematical reasoning became easier for me and the results were forth coming. Furthermore, enormous pressure in my work environment fizzles out. As a Customer Service Associates, I improvised new approach in dealing with very demanding manager, unpleasant co-workers and impolite customer. I could look straight into the customer's eyes and communicate effectively about the various services available. Initially, such effective communication was almost impossible.

Right now, I'm convinced that I can apply this self-confidence to every life's situation. All I need is to believes in myself.. With this mindset, I believe I can handle the complex challenges of the future most especially the diversity of the enormous challenges in college where I believed I can build a permanent base for my future.

Thank you for your time to read and made correction.
swtlildee 5 / 19  
Nov 27, 2010   #2
You seem to switch between tenses quite a lot; I would watch out for that. The tense must remain consistent throughout a sentence/paragraph.
Ex: "Feeling as if the world is about to come to an end, I immediately went home, get into my room and lock myself up."

It should be "Feeling as if the world was about to come to an end, I immediately went home, went into my room, and locked myself up."

You switch tenses throughout the essay, so I would go through all of it and take a look at that. Perhaps you could ask someone to go through it with you and make grammatical changes?

For your introduction, try to make it more clear that you're preparing for a big speech. I didn't immediately pick up on that.

I think it might be nice to elaborate a little bit on what your speech was about and for what occasion it was delivered for.

"I asked myself series of questions. Such as: How on earth will I succeed in this great task?"
You can get rid of "such as" and make it into "I asked myself a series of questions: How on..."

"I learned about Preparation, self- confidence and Originality to mention a few."
Why do you capitalize "Preparation" and "Originality"?
Change to "I learned about preparation, self-confidence, and originality, to mention a few."

"On August 12th 2004(The day of the convention)"
We don't need to know the date. Just say "On the day of the convention"

"Teen's Mentors"
It's kindly unclear as to what a "Teen Mentor" is.

"More power to your elbow"
I know the Teen Mentor says this, but I'm confused as to what this phrase means.

"Mathematics has been my weaker areas due to the phobia I always display toward arithmetic."
This phrase, at first, seems a little out of the blue. Perhaps you could add a small transition to make the connection clear at first sight.

"Without hubris, this humble experience...communication was almost impossible."
For that paragraph, it might be good to include a short explanation on how it wasn't an overnight change, but a gradual change (unless it really was an overnight change, which is unlikely).

"Right now, I'm convinced"
Change to: "Now, I am convinced"

"All I need is to believes in myself.. With this mindset"
Get rid of the ".."

:] You have a really great base and subject for the essay! I think you just need more work on the grammatical aspect.
I hope this helped!


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