Please be absolutely brutal in critiquing this. Attack and tear apart everything.
A few things I a worried about include:
Did I focus enough on my development as a person?
Is the story grabbing?
How GOOD of an essay is this?
The flickering seatbelt lights cut out in unison; cue the muffled clamor of overhead compartments unclasping and seatbelts unbuckling. I groggily stumbled into the aisle and reached up to acquire my own suitcase only to be hit by a sudden feeling of vertigo. Standing up suddenly did not seem like the most intelligent thing to do following a four-hour plane ride spent sleeping and listening to Asian pop artists blasting from my headphones.
A while later, I had begun my tedious journey through the numerous airport security checkpoints, marching perfunctorily past countless indistinguishable gates. With each step I took from airport security to baggage claim, my feeling of lethargy began to recede, and in its place, an explosion of excitement and vivacity filled me. Looking around, everything was Chinese: the signs, the food, and even the people! I had arrived at the Beijing airport and was ready for the substantial adventure ahead of me.
Though physically hindered by my bulky luggage, I quickened my pace, almost soaring into the arrival terminal. Despite running off of an unusual sleep pattern, I was fully charged and ready to roll. The trip itself was a research-based venture in the migrant worker issue in Beijing. I would be meeting with friends from school to meet with NGOs, learn more about the Chinese household registration system, or the Hukou system, and teach at migrant children schools. Needless to say, My mind was set on a never ending party; my ideal trip was to exhaust Beijing of everything it could offer.
When we arrived at CMC (Compassion for Migrant Children), the Migrant Childrens school which we attended, I was shocked to see that the community was not much better off than where we were, though, at least the main road was paved. We began teaching right away. Surprisingly, the kids took to the classes with extreme vigor and interest. Never before had I seen, even in my classes at school, students with such a willingness to learn. I thought about how lucky I was to have so many resources in my school, and how much I took it for granted. Very soon, thoughts of my students' futures began to fill my head and I began to lose interest in just "hanging out".
The next morning, I took part in what was possibly one of the most emotional conversations I will ever have. We traveled to On-Action, an NGO fighting for migrant workers' rights. I learned that children of migrant workers were not allowed to attend public schools in the cities and were refused the opportunity to even take the college entrance examination exams, or gao kao. Such was part of the Hukou policy, a policy that enraged me as I thought about the future of my students.
That night, I lay awake in bed, thinking about everyone at CMC. Throughout out the course of the day I had asked many of them what their plans for the future were. Every student replied more ambitiously than I could ever have conceived. Each one of them had a dream profession ranging from biochemical engineers to lawyers to consultants of specific companies. What really shook me was that each individual student had enormous will power and had all thoroughly planned ways of getting to the top. As I lay in bed thinking about the aspirations my students had, I began pondering the roads that lay ahead of me. I also came to realize how little thought I had given to my future.
By the end of the project, I had learned so much from my students, both in a cultural aspect and an aspect that I know has made a permanent imprint on my life. My students, though in such constant trying situations, aspire to be so much and are tirelessly pouring in effort to reaching their goals. From my students, I've learned to really make the most of what you own; from that point on, every day spent has been a day where I am pushing myself into my future through the kind of sheer work and determination I saw in them. Furthermore, my students were able to propel me forward to find what I wanted to do, and that was to learn more about China. Researching the hukou policy in China led me to realize, "You don't know what you don't know". There is so much about the Chinese culture which I want to know more about and so much that I am still oblivious to. Through my students and the experience I have learned so much that will continue to pull me through life.
Exact word count: 768.
Too much?
Thank you all so much in advance,
Peter Yang
...cut out in unison; hearing the muffled clamor of overhead compartments unclasping and seatbelts unbuckling, I groggily stumbled into the aisle and reached up to retrieve my own suitcase. I was hit by a sudden feeling of vertigo.
...and teach at schools for migrant children.
From my students, I've learned that we should really make the most of what we own; since then, I have spent every day been a day where I am pushing myself into my future through the kind of...
This is excellent. I don't know if it is too long, every school is different. If you cut out all unnecessary words and phrases, though, it'll get stronger and stronger. You write very well, I like it!
