How humiliating would it be if whenever you shook hands with another, the other person would swiftly retract their hand, with a disgusted look on their face, and start wiping their hands on their clothes? The humiliation you feel from this small chain of events is immense, and sadly, I have lived with this embarrassment throughout my entire life. I have a condition called hyperhidrosis which causes parts of my body, mainly my palms, to perspire profusely. This may seem like a miniscule hindrance to some; however, for me, by living and dealing with this condition daily, it left a tremendous psychological impact on me.
As a child, I did not pay much mind to my condition as no one pointed it out as abnormal or as something weird. My family accepted it, and they did not feed much attention to it. However, this all changed when I began to attend school. I was surrounded by people whom I have never seen and people that have never heard of hyperhidrosis in their life, much less know that palms could be sweat. As the school year progressed, students eventually found out about my "quirk". They were quick to comment on how gross and weird it was, and were quick to pull away after accidental physical interactions with a repulsed face and rub the sweat off their skin furiously. These frequent events made me extremely self-conscious, and I began to loathe myself and my hands. I began to hate how my paper would slightly wrinkle up or how my pen's ink would sometimes smudge while I took notes. I hated how I could never text on my phone without having to wipe my phone's screen every couple words I wrote. At one point, I even had thoughts of cutting off my hands and live with stubs for hands so I would not deal with this anymore.
During these years, my life revolved around me trying to hide my problems instead of coming to terms with it. I wore sweaters in the sweltering summer heat in order to cover up my hands with my sleeves. I tried my best to avoid all types of physical contact with people. My self-esteem was at an all-time low around seventh grade, until I met Anna. She was the one who helped me come to terms with my condition. She told me that people do not care about me for my physical traits. The only trait that mattered about me was my personality. She slowly convinced me that my hands were not the only thing about me, and that most people will not even pay them any mind.
Through these experiences and realizations, I became aware about how great the impact one's actions could have on another's life: positively and negatively. The hurtful comments and gestures that my classmates said, for them, might just have been small passing words and thoughts that slipped out of their minds without realization. However, little did they know, these words have changed my life for the better in the long run. Likewise, my friend's words of compassion and actions of acceptance slowly coaxed me out of my shell and helped me come to terms with my illness. These two massively differing events helped me understand how powerful words actually are and how even the littlest of actions could make a difference in someone. Because of these events, I always try to keep in mind the outcomes my words and gestures might have on someone. Also, I became more understanding of other people's problems and situations. I realized that there must be many people just like me, who, on the outside may look fine, but on the inside, are suffering. Because of this, I learned to become a more understanding person and strive to become a person like my friend, a person who shone a new light on me.
Wow! Minju, your story is one that totally came out of left field. It is not your typical background story so it really has an interesting story to tell. More importantly, you presented a whole side to your personality and well-being that would otherwise not have been show in other common app prompts. If you set out to catch the reviewer's eye and develop a story that would linger in his memory long after he has read the other essays on his desk or laptop, the you can breathe easy. You accomplished that task and then some :-)
You really managed to take us into the world that comprised your background and made the reader feel the pain and desperation that you were going through as an adolescent. So when it came time for you realize that your hands did not represent who you are as a person, the reader cannot help but applaud your epiphany.
While the essay is quite gripping, it does suffer from some grammar and sentence structure problems. So let me try to address those for you:
CAN YOU IMAGINE H how humiliating would it WOULD be if , whenever you shook hands with another, the other person would swiftly retract their hand, with a disgusted look on their face , and start wiping their hands on their clothes? The humiliation you feel from this small chain of events is ARE immense, and . s Sadly, I have lived with this embarrassment throughout my entire life. I have a condition called hyperhidrosis which causes parts of my body, mainly my palms, to perspire profusely. This may seem like a miniscule hindrance to some; however, for me, by HAVING TO LIVE AND DEAL living and dealing with this condition daily,
My family accepted it, and they did not feed PAY much attention to it.
I was surrounded by people whom I have never seen BEFORE and people that have never heard of hyperhidrosis in their life LIVES, much less know that palms could be sweatY.
and were quick to pull away after accidental physical interactions with a repulsed face and rubBED the sweat off their skin furiously.
I began to hate how my paper would slightly wrinkle up or how my pen's
At one point, I even had thoughts of cutting off my hands and SO I COULD live with stubs for hands so I would not HAVE TO deal with this anymore.
My self-esteem was at an all-time low around THE seventh grade, until I met Anna.
She slowly convinced me that my hands were not the only thingS about me, and that most people will not even pay them any mind.
However, Llittle did they know, these words have changed my life for the better in the long run.
These two massively differing events helped me understand how powerful words actually are and how even the littlest of actions could make a difference in someone'S LIFE.
I always try to keep in mind the outcomes EFFECTS my words and gestures might have on someone.
Also, I became more understanding of other people's problems and situations.
Because of this, I learned to become a more understanding person and strive to become a person like my friend, a person who shone a new light on me.
Kindly pay particular attention the way you use the plural forms. Also, note how I tightened the spotlight of the essay by removing unnecessary phrases and word fillers. Just stik to the point and always present your information in a straightforward manner. The reviewer does not have the time to sort through the word fillers just to get to your point. The essay is engaging as it is sans the word fillers.
Thank you so very much for your reply! I highly appreciate all the feedback you supplied. :) I'll go make some changes to my essay right now with those suggestions!
Minju, if it's not too late, I'd like to share my insights on the last two paragraphs of your essay.
- During these years, my life revolved around me trying to hide
- my problemsissues instead of coming to terms with it.
- was at an all-time low at all time until around seventh grade,
- untilwhen I met Anna.
- not care about me for my physical traits.
- The only trait that mattered about mewasis my personality.
- and that most people will not even pay them any mindattention .
- great the impact of one's actions could have on another's life: positively and negatively.
- The hurtful comments and gestures that my classmates said, for them, might just
- Because of theseThis events, I always try to keep intaught me to be
- mindful of the outcomesof my words and gestures might have on someone else .
- who, on the outside may look fine, but on the inside,may look physically fine but are suffering inside .
- Because of this, I learned to become a more understanding person and strive to become a person like my friend,
- a person who shoneshowed me a new light on me .
Minju,this are the corrections I made to enhance your essay, it's really a lot of work and trying to understand how you create your sentences and find sense out of it, however, there's always a room for improvement, review the English language rules, mind the verb forms, your word usage as well the sentence construction.
