Prompt #2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Blue tents scattered on the wet, grassy field and near the bleachers, a small stage for performances. I stood by the stage as the MC for 2010's Relay for Life, a 24 hour walk supporting the fight against cancer, called down all cancer survivors and patients onto the track. My eyes scanned each and every face that stepped foot onto the uneven pavement; the facial expressions of these twenty, inspirational people were completely memorable. Smiles as wide as the moon, that gleams with pride and strength. Never would I have thought I'd be wearing a blue shirt with the word "Committee" on my back.
Before joining the planning committee, I had never heard of the relay and it was entirely foreign to me. A small group of my friends had a meeting to attend at South San Francisco High School, and I was not interested but I tagged along in hopes of getting a meal to satisfy my grumbling stomach. I walked into the bungalow of where the meeting was held and saw a young, blonde woman in the front of the class and a small group of elderly couples sitting in the chairs, facing the woman. I had no intentions of listening to the meeting so I chose a seat in the back where I had thought I wouldn't be noticed. To my surprise, I found that I was introducing myself to everyone as if I were a frequent attendee of this meeting.
Informational pamphlets were being past my way, but I declined them, politely saying, "No, no, it's okay. I don't need this." Eventually, I gave up and accepted them without resistance. In the midst of the meeting, the young woman demonstrated an activity to show how patients battling with lung cancer felt when breathing. We were instructed to breathe through a straw and to jog in place, which instantly made me light headed, resulting in me to stop. Immediately, the activity made me think about my parents, who were heavy smokers, and it affected me deeply to think of my parents going through such a struggle; it was nearly heartbreaking. At that point, I was engulfed into the meeting. I began sharing ideas of ways to advertise and fundraise and by the end of the meeting; my brochure was filled with written notes and future meeting times and dates.
I realized that this was an experience I had to be a part of. I had to do something to help myself psychologically, and most importantly, I needed to get rid of that subconscious feeling of my parents suffering from lung cancer in the future. At the end of the meeting, the woman asked if anyone wanted to volunteer to fill in the open spots of the committee and, immediately, my arm shot right into the air. I had taken on the position of Food Chair that night. Although I had no idea what I was getting myself into, it felt good to know I was involved with fighting a battle I was passionate about ending..
Throughout a mere 24 hours, my priorities shifted from focusing on something so small, being selfish and only being concerned about my next meal, to being completely dedicated to a program and having a whole new set of responsibilities to take care of. It made me selfless and of course, it made me grow. Going to the meetings and sharing my ideas with the group was an accomplishment in itself but the actual event was an even bigger one. In the end, I had a hunger after all, one that was so deeply rooted in myself that I had to search to find it: a hunger to volunteer.
Can someone please tell me if this essay answers the UC prompt correctly? And some critique would be much appreciated! Thanks!
Hi Dilllion. I hope this helps....
First Para: It serves no purpose. In terms too many superfluous words that give a little of what you were feeling. The anticipation.... The feelings you only best know. ;)
Never would I have thought I'd be wearing a blue shirt with the word "Committee" on my back.
Expand this thought.
Second Para:
To my surprise, I found that I was introducing myself to everyone as if I were a frequent attendee of this meeting.
I didn't get this.... How come you started introducing. Did you know anyone? I mean whom where you introducing and why?
Third Para:
light headed, resulting in me to stop
Wrong English.
Fourth Para:
Although I had no idea what I was getting myself into, it felt good to know I was involved with fighting a battle I was passionate about ending..
GREAT! A very good line indeed.
Discussing the third and fourth para....
the transaction was a little jumpy. See if you can do anything about it.... Personally, all through the essay you have saying how ignorant you were about this. Let's add a little info on the job.
Overall good.... a little more on content, grammar and "better beginning". This would quite a nice essay.
:)
