Hello this is the common app extracurricular essay. I need help deciding which one to choose? I love business and I want to show it!!!!! I know admissions gets bored of reading so are these boring, do they show passion, are they vague, do I need to elaborate! ( it took me ten minutes for each so, don't yell at me for not having the UPenn standard of writing...I am in need of some urgent help please guide me with your brain power!!!!!!!!) thank you in advance!!! And please don't hold back if it sucks tell me so.lol
1. Choose your vice, rum and coke, a glass of merlot to compliment your dinner, or maybe some creamy Baileys to give your coffee a kick. Pay the price, walk out and indulge in bliss, or stay a little longer. Who are you? Where are you from? What hurdles have you climbed? What do you make of this fine establishment I manage? Please, dissipate my ignorance and tell me your tale. Thank you, I relieve you from my presence, go on and enjoy your life. I stand in the store alone, gazing deeply into the hole you left in my shelf. I think about your triumphs and your feedback, then I reflect on my own dreams and vision, a revolutionary business of my own. I march over to the shelf with confidence and pull the next bottle up. I turn towards the glass door, and there I see walking in, my next inspiration. "Hello, how are you," I say with anticipation.
2. "Who's that, hunky?" slurs one of my Puerto Rican customers leaving a trail of rum breath as he murders the pronunciation of my name. "Yup, it's me" I say, as I watch him stumble in. Before I even waste the last few breaths in his aging body I reach for his daily dose of 305 cigars and Bacardi Superior Rum. He takes a swig without hesitation, he is revitalized, and young once again. His hands stop shaking, he is focused, and he is ready to share dreams, laughs, and sorrows. I listen attentively and absorb all the knowledge and wisdom he has gained living life. Each minute I spend with him I become less ignorant of the world around me. We say our farewells, and he is gone. Customers like Juan are my inspiration to continue my education and to create a business like no other. I take a deep breath and release. The next customer walks in, ah it's my Russian lady friend. "Ey, kak dela" (hey, how are you?) I say with anticipation.
3.We are a business, we are professionals, and we have a boring image to uphold from the outside. Take a step into my world: Yelling, Cursing, hootin, and hollerin. Now take a step to the side, because there might be an intoxicated fellow stumbling your way. About 70% of my customers come in drunk from the night before, therefore there are situational hazardous in this line of work. I have Jeff on one side begging me to take shots with him and Flacco on the other side getting frustrated because I don't understand his strong Spanish accent. They are both loyal customers, and I like them, but I cannot have them in the store longer than 5 minutes without losing my mind. So I give them their liquid bliss, fight for their money, and send them on their way. Being surrounded by the store and the customers, makes me forget my past and move forward. I watch my customers every day, and I see the light shine onto their faces. They are my inspiration, which keeps clawing at me and telling me to do something truly amazing and enjoy it. I love the family business and the culture that goes with it. People from all over the world share their lives with me and give me a day to look forward to.
2 AND 3 are kinda my favorite.
But i am very worried at your approach.It dynamic and different
The question is very simple. Don't make it complicated.
it might have little anecdotes within it,but overall goal should be clear.
It is obvious you have a bar or a restaurant.But i don;t see how it is related to business. the third one looks close, but not quite. You never talked about money, profit, loss to kind of relate business with you experience.
Mine was not related to my field at all, but it really shaped who i am now.
Things to note:
What did you learn from this activity,
Can your activity make the reader conclude that this activity might have influenced this student's decision to study business. e.g he drinks a lot== lost his job.
Thats just my view
Hello,
After reading all three of these short essays, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. Are you a store manager of a liquor store or a drugstore or maybe a bodega? I have no idea. Are you serving these people who come stumbling in more alcohol or vinegar...again I have no idea. Finally, how is this your extracurricular as it reads more like a part-time job at your family business which reallllly doesn't count....again, I have no idea. So in conclusion, this essay simply does not do you any favors as it is wayyyy too vague to convey any sense of passion for anything that Upenn would be looking to see. If anything, your vagueness might work against you as someone could easily think that you willingly serve already drunk patrons more alcohol. My advise to you is for you to do a radical re-write off these. -AAO
