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'Hurrying up for a plane' - University of Florida - College


alvarez16 1 / 2  
Jun 28, 2007   #1
I was wondering if any of you would be willing to read over, critique, and/or help me polish my college application essay to the University of Florida.

This is the topic for the essay:

"In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school. "

Please let me know if you'd be willing to help and I will email you my work.

Thanks

EF_Team [Moderator] 41 / 222 15  
Jun 28, 2007   #2
Sure, we'll be able to provide feedback on your essay - but you have to post it here. We don't provide private tutoring services. Thanks,

EssayForum.com
OP alvarez16 1 / 2  
Jun 28, 2007   #3
All Right.

Here is the essay, please help me make it better by removing, adding, or changing anything.

"Hurry up! The plane leaves in two hours," my mom reminded me as I swiftly, yet reluctantly continued to stuff more and more belongings into the tiny taxi. Waving good-bye to family members and friends, who I had spent over ten years with, was an exceptionally uncomfortable and difficult task. On the way to the airport as my mom tried to comfort me, she constantly reminded me, "Life will be no different in the USA than in Venezuela." However, this proved to be false as soon as I stepped off that plane. Not understanding a single word being said around me, I realized I would have to adapt to a new culture, but at the same time carry on my own.

"Class, this is Alejandro and he will be joining our class for this last month of the school year," the teacher yelled as I stood next to her puzzled and embarrassed. For a few hours, I plainly sat in my chair without saying a word, reflecting on my already missed memories of school in Venezuela, until another student named Luis approached me. Of course, I was expecting him to say something in English, but shockingly he spoke to me in Spanish. Without hesitation, I responded to him and we quickly became close friends.

As time went on, I realized that all those English courses I had taken in Venezuela were no waste of time, and were finally beginning to pay off. After just a few weeks I accomplished my goal of speaking a different language, and was able to exchange a few words with my teacher and other classmates in English. From there on, my fear turned into a desire to learn more and more about the American culture and teach others about mine. As the school year came to a close, we were told to bring food for a party we were going to have to celebrate a successful year. Hot dogs, hamburgers, pizza, just to name a few different things my classmates brought, were set on the table. The shy whispers of my classmates showed their eagerness for what I had brought. "These are called Arepas; they are a traditional Venezuelan dish", I proudly announced, as people tried and promptly fell in love with the food. It felt great to be able to teach others about my own culture and heritage while learning about theirs.

It didn't take long to overcome my fear and turn it into a desire to adapt to a new world and teach others about mine. Now, 7 years after this life-changing event, I am reminded everyday by my habits and actions about my Venezuelan roots and my newly acquired American traditions. Whether at the University of Florida, or anywhere else, I will always carry, teach, and expand on my distinct heritage.

Thanks very much
EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Jun 29, 2007   #4
Greetings!

I think you've written a wonderful essay! You write better than many American students! :-)

I have just a few editing suggestions:

"Class, this is Alejandro and he will be joining our class for this last month of the school year," the teacher yelled as I stood next to her puzzled and embarrassed. - This is a bit confusing. Why would the teacher be yelling? Would "announced loudly" work? Also, it is not clear why you are puzzled. Is it because you did not understand the English she was speaking?

For a few hours, I sat quietly in my chair without saying a word, reflecting on [delete "my already missed"] memories of my school in Venezuela, which I already missed. Eventually, another student named Luis approached me. Of course, I was expecting him to say something in English, but, to my amazement, he spoke to me in Spanish. Without hesitation, I responded to him and we quickly became close friends.

I am reminded every day by my habits and actions

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP alvarez16 1 / 2  
Jun 29, 2007   #5
Thanks for your help.

As for the teacher yelling, I'm trying to provide the image that she is yelling over kids that are talking.

And yes, I would be puzzled because I dont know what she is saying.

How can I make that part of the essay better?

Also would adding this to the last paragraph be good or bad?

"As for my friend, you were right when you imagined we became best friends, but now we share thoughts in both English and Spanish. "

Thanks

Thanks Again
EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Jun 29, 2007   #6
Greetings!

Sometimes improving your essay and making things clearer is just a matter of providing a little more detail and breaking up a long sentence into shorter ones. For example:

"Class, this is Alejandro and he will be joining our class for this last month of the school year." The teacher had to yell to make herself heard over the noisy students. I stood next to her, embarrassed to be put on display and puzzled because I had no idea what she was saying.

I think your addition to the last paragraph is a good one, but I'd make a slight change: "As for my friend, you were right when you imagined we became best friends, but now we can express our thoughts in both English and Spanish." - otherwise, it sounds a little bit as if you are sharing your thoughts psychically, rather than verbally. :-))

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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