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'Huzhou, Shanghai, and California's Bay Area' - UC PS1


easyfu 3 / 18  
Nov 27, 2011   #1
Could anybody please help on this essay?

1.Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped you?

If a biographer is writing a memoir about me, the first three places he or she should go are Huzhou, Shanghai, and California's Bay Area.

Huzhou, a city famous for its silk industry, is where my dream showed up. My hometown is tie up to manufacturing, but is not a stably developed area. A 200 redundancy in a small textile factory made my grandmother lost her job. I was shocked at how the macroeconomic policy robs thousands of people's jobs when she told me her story. My curiosity was greatly intrigued because of my grandmother's experience. At that time, all I was thinking of was learning economics to benefit people around me.

My aspiration grew up in Shanghai, an international metropolis full of skyscrapers, when I officially became a teenager. Much more prosperous than where I come from, Shanghai largely broadens my horizon. Results from the reform and opening-up policy in China, I saw modern lifestyles, fast pace of life and advanced facilities. The economics knowledge I learnt from high school textbooks gives me supplement as well. Step on same the same land as Huzhou , I realized how wisely using economics benefits Shanghai and I started thinking about practicable strategy for my hometown's promotion.

All the circumstance changed after I came to America, a country where anything is possible. In particular, I study and live very close to the Silicon Valley in California's the Bay Area, which continues to be the leading hub for high-tech innovation and development. Taking US history and AP Economics made me aware of lots of presidents who are famous for their outstanding contribution on economy. The details on the textbook gave me an overall observation on their monetary and fiscal policy and challenged my old way of thinking. Reaganomics is a case reverses my point of view on reducing government regulation. The concepts and examples from textbooks updated my cognizance of economics, deepen my plain knowledge over and over again. Not only culturally influences me, this atmosphere also gives me a deeper insight on current Chinese policy. The economy is a global issue, the process of exploring made me realized that it is my duty to people all over the world.

My experiences in China and America have enriched my understanding of economics . It witnessed my dream's growing from a simple eagerness into an ambition.

ubchiu 3 / 9  
Nov 27, 2011   #2
just some small suggestions, might not be right tho.
-is tied up
-"when I officially became a teenager" the word officially seemed a bit weird to me...does that mean you grew up unofficially for some time?

-"Step on same the same land as Huzhou" I don't get this...maybe some typo here?
-The economy is a global issue; the
-"my duty to people all over the world" did you miss a word before "people"?
-i don't think eagerness and ambition are countable which means probably you can't use a and an before them...
-there is some inconsistency in tense throughout the essay. read it out loud..it helps you realize what doesn't sound right.

overall i like the idea of connecting three cities you've live in and the comparison of their economy statues. sooo just some small things.

GOOD JOB and GOOD LUCK :)

please help me go over my uc#1 essay too :) thanks!
OP easyfu 3 / 18  
Nov 27, 2011   #3
Thanks, that helps a lot!!!
OP easyfu 3 / 18  
Nov 28, 2011   #4
Any more help
lunadonnna 2 / 4  
Nov 28, 2011   #5
Uhm the first sentence
"If a biographer is writing a memoir about me, the first three places he or she should go are Huzhou, Shanghai, and California's Bay Area."

sounds a bit awkward I would take it out.
However I like how you tie in every part of your background to your interest in economics.
OP easyfu 3 / 18  
Nov 28, 2011   #6
I will make change on that.
Much thanks
Jstuff36 5 / 17  
Nov 28, 2011   #7
A 200 redundancy in a
A job cut of two hundred, in a small textile factory, resulted in my grandmother losing her job.
OP easyfu 3 / 18  
Nov 28, 2011   #8
Thanks!
mohamed459 9 / 27  
Nov 28, 2011   #9
It witnessed my dream's growing from a simple eagerness into an ambition.
- It in the sentence is a bit ambiguous I think.
- Also i think you mean dream's growth


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