Be harsh as possible and please tell me where I can add more deatils or what u suggest I should take out. Oh and please state if a specific moment in the essay confuses u. Thanks
How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago
UChicago: My Dream
In the solitude of Hyde Park
Deep and away from me
You have prospered and grown
Into one so knowledgeable and so sweet
The first day I set my gaze at thee
A sullen mood had already overflowth me
The rain set forever more
As steel chambers had strengthened around me.
But the possibility to join you
Leave golden dreams no one can destroy.
In days progressing, you have sent me letters of welcome.
With large crests of the soaring phoenix,
Its flames fluttering in glorious red,
And words of come and play.
That are so bold, so daring
So genius of my mind's whirling and swirling pace
That I cannot help but pray.
You, I have visited in such jumpy glee,
For I know that thyself can set
My struggling passion free.
It flips and flops in rapid plops
Like a captive fish ready to leap.
I want to jump into your overflowing stream,
One that is filled with life's biggest questions
And biggest possibilities.
And though you are so deep,
I have faith that I can reach.
You speak of an everlasting future,
Where depth and passion may rise.
And that I can imagine:
Long nights of discussions about Austen's pen;
Classes with insight and togetherness blend;
An orchestra where my violin strings ring and zing,
To the rhythm of an Arabian song;
A different choice in what more to learn.
Programs where my poetry can soar.
Like mine, the eyes of many admire you
For your splendors glitter like the rising sea.
The Gothic buildings, along with Autumn's fallen leaves,
Accompany the Hogwarts bliss that all want to grasp.
But I fear that you will leave,
And forget all the hope you have given me.
Those who have doubt keep little faith in me
They say we are so separate
And never meant to be.
But I cannot help it.
There is no peace,
No tranquility,
All my life's bliss can come form you.
So here I am ready to see
Our future in an everlasting dream.
It's interesting that you decided to answer this in the form of a poem. I'm sure the admissions officers will appreciate it, but it's easy for something like this to go sour. Anyway, this is a well-flowing and artistic piece. My worry is that it doesn't fully address the prompt, specifically how UChicago satisfies "your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future." It is only in the 4th stanza that you try to answer the question they asked! Clearly, you are looking for insightful classes, an orchestra, freedom in course selection, and poetry class. This addresses the "particular kind of learning." What about community and future? I think you talk too much about your burning desire to go to this school, and not enough about why.
Also, these things:
"Deep and away from me
You have prospered and grown" - this sounds kind of evil
overflowth - overflowed would work fine, but I'm not too big on poetry
I think you dance around the answer too much. It is a nice poem, but I found myself struggling through its length. Like the previous poster stated, you don't get to the point very quickly. In other forms of writing, I think that this would be fine. However, the fact that you have written a poem means that every line you say needs to have meaning. Make sure that in at least every stanza you touch on a point mentioned in the prompt. While all of your poem doesn't have to answer it, make sure it's mostly relevant.
i really like how you used a poem to answer the prompt and im sure it will be quite refreshing for the admission officers. however, you might want to cut the poem short because i was sort of struggling to finish the whole thing near the end. but overall a good idea :)
