PLEASE GIVE ME SOME HARSH CRITIQUE BECAUSE I'LL BE SENDING THIS TO USC BEFORE DECEMBER 1ST,
Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said: "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." People, whether they immigrate from Mexico, Asia, or from the other side of the world, they immigrate to America to pursue their idea of the American Dream. So what is the American Dream? The definition is different depending on the person. For some, the concept of the American Dream is to have the opportunity to better themselves by attending one of the best universities in the country.
Escaping to America is a hazardous decision, but sustaining a life in the United States is a perilous threat every day. When immigrants arrive in America, they come with fundamentally nothing but the clothes on their back. Once they set foot on the American soil, they must start from scratch. They proceed to live a normal life, but deep inside they live in fear of being deported. However, instead of cowering away and hiding in the shadows, some choose to be the preeminent student, regardless of their background. Some immigrant students choose to take all the Advanced Placement, Honor, or GATE classes they can, even if they struggle to comprehend the English language. Some undocumented students face being deported every day, but they continue to move forward and pursue their American Dream of receiving a higher education.
Alike these students, both of my parents immigrated to the United States, both driven by their American Dream. Once my parents set foot on the American soil, it seemed as if millions of black cats crossed their paths, meanwhile they were walking under ladders and breaking mirrors, because they have had a lot of bad luck. My parents have struggled most of their lives, yet they still dreamed of many things. Unfortunately my parents were not able to fulfill all of their dreams and desires because of many limitations. However, one dream that my parents actually achieved, was to give my sisters and I a better future. They dreamt to give us a future where our dreams could roam freely - without limits.
Undocumented students have been the driving force to my success. They brought me to the realization, that since I am not an undocumented student myself, I have the opportunity to apply to the college of my desire without any limitations. This realization has pushed me to dream about attending one of the best universities in the country. These undocumented students have the greatest amount of hope and strength I have ever witnessed. It is important to me that they receive the same opportunities as I have, since both of us have worked just as hard. These undocumented students have shown me that at the heart of the American Dream is the idea that if you believe in the beauty of your dreams, then your future is in your hands.
Alike these students,
Consider revising "Alike these students" so the meaning is clear.
The paragraph about your parents needs a bit more development. What are the limitations of your parents.
"Once my parents set foot on the American soil, it seemed as if millions of black cats crossed their paths, meanwhile they were walking under ladders and breaking mirrors, because they have had a lot of bad luck." This sentence needs more context. Give one example of the bad luck your parents had.
I love your Eleanor Roosevelt opening and your empathy for others is clear.
