Criticism and helpful advice would be greatly appreciated!
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.
In middle school my friend and I were talking about boys - more specifically, the ideal ethnicity. Instinctively, I responded that I preferred someone who was of Korean descent, and when I was asked why, I could not come up with anything other than, "So he can communicate more fluidly with my parents."
The conversation ended shortly after, yet I continued to impose the question upon myself: Why did I really fancy someone of my own ethnicity? The answer, I later realized, was comfort. There wouldn't be very many problems concerning the types of food, nor would there be any misconceptions regarding Korean traditions.
This made me realize how myopic I had been; I was making judgments on other cultures before ever really getting to know them by ignorantly stating I preferred my own ethnicity over another. In the months to follow, I proactively made a concerted effort to interact with other students of all backgrounds; to my surprise, I discovered and admired the fact that each culture offered many unique characteristics and rich traditions.
I know that University of Michigan already has an array of students from different cultures, but I am confident that I can contribute to the diversity not because of my Korean-American heritage, but because of who I am as an individual. My personal experiences may be similar to thousands of other students, but rarely is any one experience replicated to be exactly the same.
I love your opening, the ideal ethnicity of a boy anecdote. I really like your essay, but I feel as though it finishes with a generic tone. Maybe you could mention one of those personal experiences that makes you different, like another "ideal ethnic male" story. Not that you'd want to elaborate on that story too much; leave the reader with another interesting story that will make them want to meet you and talk to you about that story you mentioned.
Other than that, great job!
Excellent! I think you should repeat again later in the essay that this happened in middle school -- you could name the grade. And then you could make this more substantial by talking about a similar conversation that occurred recently... a conversation in which you helped another person to hav the same realization. After that, if you conclude by mentioning what this has to do with your intended major, that will be excellent.
Although this is a little late, thank you so much for the advice!
My only concern is that the essay is supposed to be approximately 250 words, and I'm not sure how to incorporate another incident into my essay without going over the limit. My word count right now is 239.
Hmm... Maybe something like...
(Last paragraph)
I know that University of Michigan already has an array of students from different cultures, but I am confident that I can contribute to the diversity not because of my Korean-American heritage, or my seventh grade naivety, but because of who I am as an individual. My personal experiences may be similar to thousands of other students, but rarely is any one experience replicated to be exactly the same no matter how hot a topic, like boys, may be .
...for some reason, I do not feel...content with the last sentence. Rargh. I shall edit/post again when I finalize the short answer. I am open for suggestions? @_@;;
