I'm applying to U Chicago and and was wondering if anyone could look over my essay and give me some comments/tips. Thanks in advance!
Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago.
At the University of Chicago, it's all about ideas. That was the first line inside the pamphlet that I received. As I flipped through the pages I learned of the intellectual approach to education, the emphasis on ideas and thoughts, the well respected faculty, the ground breaking research programs, the culture, diversity, the beautiful environment, and even the unique housing model.
Besides being consistently ranked as the #1 business school, the University of Chicago also offers a world renowned Economics program. The University of Chicago focuses on a rigorous and discipline-based approach to learning that transforms its students to be confident, effective, and well respected business leaders. Along with a highly respected faculty and amazing academic programs, the university is a perfect match for me.
From a young age, I always challenged ideas, I never just accepted ideas presented to me until I analyzed them myself. I would always question my friends and family on the whys and hows of life. I would curiously ponder endlessly on different ideas and teachings so much that I recall a time my older cousin complained that I was annoying! Of course I was young at the time and maybe my persistent character finally got to him, I never stopped thinking about various ideas in life.
So why do I wanted to attend Chicago? Well, other than the beautiful environment, the diverse community, the renowned academic programs and faculty, Chicago would be able to satisfy my desire to be challenged and to challenge as well as provide many opportunities, lessons, friendships, and a once in a life time experience.
So why do I want to attend the University of Chicago?
Try not to go back and refer to the question that you are answering directly, they know why you are writing the essay, create a response that creatively says what they want but that is not a direct restatement. :)
With that long list at the end of the first paragraph, I think you need to add a SHORT sentence after it so that you can "balance" it out. That is kind of like the writing equivalent of aesthetic balance in visual art.
So... I would add a very short, interesting, meaningful sentence at the end of that first para.
Yes, so add that short thesis statement to the end of paragraph one (i.e. the main idea/message of the whole essay), and then add PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCES to the two body paragraphs.
And I think the conclusion is cool the way it is.
but you need a thesis statement and 2 topic sentences that express the main idea of paragraphs, which should support the thesis statement.
:-) Thus, I think you should add a sentence to three of the paragraphs but not the conclusion. That will improve the "structure" of the essay.
