What matters to you and why?
I pull my maroon polo over my head and bend down to the tie the laces on my spotless white shoes. Clipping my identification badge onto my pocket, I glance at myself in the mirror to make sure no strands of hair had escaped my ponytail. Once arriving at my destination, I step through the automatic doors of the Los Robles Hospital and Medical Center and take the elevators to the oncology unit. With a box of holiday cards, made by La Reina High School's Future Scientists Club, tucked under my arm, I approach the first door to my left. "Volunteer," I declared, knocking on the frame. I entered a dimly lit room and went to the patient's bedside, wishing him a happy holiday season and handing him a card. As I was about to leave, he stopped me and motioned me toward the armchair in the corner. I took a seat as he whispered, "I don't get many people to talk to." Though my conversation with him lasted no more than ten minutes, he had thanked me for brightening his day with my words of kindness. I routinely made my way around the floor and conversed with patients, watching their faces light up at the Christmas cards I had brought them. Working with these patients weekly, I have connected with them on a personal level, hearing stories of survival and stories of pain. It is these tales that motivate me further to pursuing cancer research, so that I may, one day, further touch the lives of cancer stricken individuals. It is these smiles that push me to help others-to see their joy that, as a result, brings me happiness.
This is a well written essay, but, I am missing what matters to you most? Is it seeing their smiles? helping others? listening to them? the motivation they give you? cancer research? clarify this and your supplement will be goldennnn :))
I am actually writing this essay right now haha Best of Luck!! :)) hopefully we will share a campus in the next few months!
Okay I'll try clarifying that more :) The idea that it was supposed to convey was that all those factors contribute to my desire of helping others, since that's what matters to me the most.
Hahaha that would be pretty great XD Good luck to you!!
Oh the first one was a typo; thank you for catching the rest :) Let me know if you have any essays that need correcting!
Okay! I will post soon! thanks! :)
I feel like the beginning of the essay is in the present tense, and it slowly switches to the past. You might want to fix that, but it's only a suggestion. :) Otherwise, i agree with jujugo, and the "why" aspect of your essay is clearly addressed, specifically in the last sentence. As to the "what", some clarifying seems to be needed. Overally, however, a great job, and very inspiring.
I do have to fix the tenses to keep the narration all in the present and I'll figure out how to address "what" more clearly :) Thank you so much!!
It is a very nice narrative, but I think other than just identifying what exactly it is that matters, as others have mentioned, you should put more of you right into the middle of it. It might as well be a narrator talking because we dont get any of what's going on inside your head-the thing that makes it unique to you. i like the message but make the change from a story to Your story.
Thank you guys!!
I'm unsure how to do that. Because I feel like I'd just be repetitive because of what I say at the end...Do you have an example? Thank you :)
