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Identity background or story / Realization - two essays, which one should I submit?


whileloop 1 / 1  
Dec 28, 2013   #1
Which one do you think is the better college essay? Thank you for your time.

The Question:
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Essay 1:
As a toddler, my passion was studying the wheel. Most of the time they were on toy cars, like the Hot Wheels I owned or the remote control cars that were strewn around my room. I would turn the plastic wheel in my small hands over and over for hours at a time, observing it intensely. I noticed that once I turned it, the wheel kept its momentum for some time. What caused this and what made it stop? If I rolled it on the floor, I recognized the friction compared to rolling a block was less. I was immersed in a world of my own, one that teemed with endless inquiries and hypotheses. This passion grew into building Lego creations, where I took two factors into consideration: creativity and durability. I reinforced weak parts of my structures with supporting mechanisms of different types, which was unique to my peers, whose creations fell apart upon impact.

Childhood hit, and my curious mind had expanded to more sophisticated concepts. For example, I noticed that individual wheels on a car went up or down based on the irregularities of the road. I observed and saw that springs on individual tires were responsible for this. I then hypothesized that this system was in place to absorb the shock from irregularities of the road and to keep all tires on the road at all times, which both work together to increase comfort and stability. I later found out that this system on a car is called suspension. Another time, I noticed when gliding a piece of Styrofoam at an angle above the horizontal, it produced lift. I envisioned small air particles colliding with the object to produce drag and lift. I later found out that this is one of two ways an airplane flies, and exactly how flaps work. While sophisticated concepts made sense to me, I struggled in other areas that seems relatively easy for others.

Not surprisingly, my mind would draw a blank in school. When my teacher lectured, I wandered far away from the topic at hand. As a result, by fifth grade, I was put into Special Education, which alarmed my parents, who could not comprehend how I could understand advanced concepts but not catch up in school. At the time, I felt that school was full of repetitive processes and tasks. I strongly desired to learn something new that would heighten my knowledge and open doors to innovative ideas. Thus, middle school was an interesting part of my life because I spent it learning to navigate the dichotomy of being in Special Education while winning the Brookhaven Maglev Competition for making the fastest maglev vehicle. The competition taught me that I was capable of achieving my visions with great faith and hard work. I realized that great advancements in the world were created by normal people like me who sought to make a difference.

However, towards the end of ninth grade, I realized that academics is just as important as the small parts in a car that are seemingly insignificant. I decided to take academics seriously, which was a formidable challenge because I had never been in the habit of studying. I had to work hard to gain focus in classes and stay on task, but there were many times when my mind failed to do so. The struggle was long and arduous, but great progress and strives have been made. For the first time, I'm starting to see A's on academic subjects that are not electives. I am learning how to manage my time and balance passion and academics. I put great effort in what I do because I have a vision, and that vision is to become an inventor who thinks of new creative ways to solve problems.

Essay 2:
Realization

Everything around us was once a vision. The light bulb invented by Thomas Edison was once a vision put into reality by faith, determination, and hard work. It took him hundreds of trials and errors, highs and lows. There were times that he thought of giving up, but he continued diligently and became the greatest inventor of all times.

I, too, had a vision in middle school. That vision was to win the Brookhaven Maglev Competition. I knew that the journey would be long, arduous, and uncertain, but I wanted to challenge myself while doing something that I have a true passion for, putting my imagination into creation, in this case designing and building a maglev vehicle. So I joined the Science Olympiad's maglev event, since it was less competitive than that of the Brookhaven, which would help me prepare for my goal. I spent hours drawing, prototyping, experimenting to build a car that got 8.25 seconds on the run. The car got 8th place, but I knew this wasn't fast enough. I was determined to try harder. I stayed after school for longer hours and came home every night hungrier and with sweatier hands. Every time I built a new prototype, I would carefully scrutinize every square millimeter of the car looking for changes that might increase its speed. It took dozens of hypothesis with tedious experiments, and numerous prototypes to make the masterpiece.

Competition day came swiftly as if I was a fish that just rode the harsh unforgiving Atlantic current. The water was dead still in the valley of fishermen. There were tension and nervousness. Hours went by before it was my turn to put the fruit of my labor and passion on the track. My heart raced, as my vehicle went blazing through, racing for its life - BEEP - the timer read 1.35 seconds, which became my lucky number.

The real accomplishment was not the trophy itself, but a realization that I was capable of achieving my visions with faith, determination, and hard work. I realized that the whole world was created by normal people that went out and strove to make their vision a reality. The world always bombards us with lies telling us that we are nothing more than pieces of dust out of billions of people. This is the type of doctrine that gives people the excuse or the utter disbelief that they will not achieve their visions. Every one of us is unique, talented, and designed to make a difference. It is only a matter of taking the first step and striving with great faith. I sincerely believe in Steve Jobs' quote: "Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you and you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use." Winning the competition was one baby step in shaping who I am. It changed my mindset and taught me how to think and believe. I am a visionary with ideas flowing through my mind every day. I do what I do to the best of my ability. So I decided to go into unchartered territory daily to find out what lies in the vast ocean full of surprises.
jsh0011 3 / 6 2  
Dec 28, 2013   #2
I think the first essay tied your background and identity better than the second one. The wheel part got me more focused than the Thomas Edison's vision.
Toktonaliev 1 / 1  
Dec 28, 2013   #3
I agree with you... also think that first essay better than second..
OP whileloop 1 / 1  
Dec 28, 2013   #4
I decided to go with the first essay. Can anyone proof read it? Thank you for your time.


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