Hi, please post any feedback you want. I'm particularly weak in puntuation, anyone pls help me with that too. thank you :)
"Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story."
"You are an idiot", he sniped; the two other people in the room, nodded in acknowledgement. Suddenly I was in an alien land. As a twelve year old child-ravaged with arrows of criticisms-I saw my most cherished possession, my beliefs, crumbling down. My conviction: the Earth revolved around the sun. But my roommates were not convinced. They were seemingly dumb-founded by this bizarre stance. Suddenly I knew why Galileo recanted his findings.
Getting into Cadet College (a residential school) in Bangladesh is an accomplishment here. But students who go to British schools usually don't consider it as an option. Luckily or not, I went to one such school. So, when I got my acceptance letter-everyone I knew was ecstatic-I wasn't so sure. The British school showed me the world and helped me develop a globalised mind. It taught me to love people of every race and creed, to respect others opinions, and to see beyond national boundaries. Beyond books and curricula, British and Bangladeshi curriculums produced two culturally different groups of young people with contrasting Ideas, beliefs, ambitions and lifestyles.
In Cadet College I was thrown in the middle of nowhere. The changes overwhelmed me with blistering pace. An unfamiliar dorm, replaced my cozy room. Stark white paint, took the place of colorful David Beckham posters adorning my walls. Cadet College was a different world. Students from all walks of life flocked here, irrespective of their backgrounds. In a way it resembled the United States-it was a melting pot. I met people here who didn't have electricity back home and some who went for vacations in Maldives, but none from an English school; I was alone and dejected, and felt that no one understood me. I spent the first few weeks confined in a dorm-we could only go out for basic needs-that was the rule. Suddenly that little dorm was our world. As an Idealist, I would have constant heated arguments with my roommates. All of a sudden they would say something like, "The Hindus should not be allowed to perform puja (worship) in this country"-and off I would go, charging forward with everything I had- lambaste them with torrents of tirades.
As a month passed by, I gradually met the rest of my class; the people I was going to spend the next six years of my life with, and boy was I surprised. Through the next six years, these people became my closest friends. They were there beside me when I failed, and exuberant when I succeeded. We became more than friends; we became like family. Over the years, this place made us go through so many hurdles, that we became a unit, appreciative of each other's role. I realized people are more than their beliefs and opinions, and likes and dislikes.
I liked to believe that I was a person who promoted tolerance, equality and love. I thought I was helping people see through their prejudices. But in my pursuits, I never realized I created a new "prejudice".
Sometimes, trying to spread equality and tolerance, I undermined those who did not share the same values. It was a hypocrisy that engulfed me and suddenly, I was aware of it. My ideals were right but my actions were not. I was shoving my views down their throat, right or not.
These two schools shaped the person I am. I am not a totally different from the person I was six years. My iPod is still filled with tracks of Paramore and U2. I still shudder at the thought of actors, suddenly singing and dancing at the middle of a Bollywood flick. But Cadet College taught me, I didn't need a shared interest to love people; we needed respect and appreciation. It made me love the people, I hated for not loving everybody; it made me realize you can still be wrong, even if you are right. It taught me the lesson, I thought I was preaching.
This story would be far better suited for another prompt. This does not, in any way, speak of anything central to your identity. What you talk about here is an experience that has allowed you to maybe see your hypocrisy. So unless being a hypocrite is central to your identity, this essay should be revised - Admissions Advice Online
Thanks for the honest review. It seems like a lot of work needs to be done. Can you please provide some examples, as to hwhat you mean "central to your Identity" so that I can make necessary changes, or may be get back to the drawing board if it requires. Thank You.
