This is the main essay that I am using for the common app essay main body. If anyone could look at it and maybe give me suggestions, it would really really deeply appreciated. ><
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..."Idiot."
Eighty-eight? Is that what she said?
I questioned myself in four different languages.
Was she evaluating my work? How considerate. English can be so frustrating though. How do they speak without tangling their tongues up?
I looked up. My timid reflection gazed at me through a pair of inquiring eyes. At loss for words, I prayed that my smile could insinuate appreciation.
Then she smirked. I shrank. Her foreign tongue cruelly pursued my silence. All I could fathom was the rich mocking tone in her interrogation. I wished to leave...
One thing worth noting about me is that I lived.
I lived knowing the pleasure of independence, given that my parents' formula for raising children followed the "shepherd's guide": provide shelter, but let them pick their own grass.
I lived for the secret satisfaction from listening to airport check-in agents gasp at my passport. My nationality, concealed by deceptive Asian features, shocked them. I was French.
I also lived through clashes between customs and modernity. My gender, a violation to family cycles long headed by male first-borns, disgraced superstitious relatives. My Christian mother's status in her Buddhist in-laws' family was undermined by her western beliefs and by giving birth to a girl. Thus, religious conflicts roamed my mischievous childhood.
However, I could never ask for more from the creator. You see, at an early age, all your behavior roots from intuition. Many of my peers were intuitively driven to conduct themselves immaturely; but my intuition smelled the family tension, and since I did not receive all of my hearts' desires, I learned to never take anything for granted. Especially my eventful life.
"'I' is a verb, because to live, you must do, not be."
I forget who said that, but as a child, my feelings strongly resonated with those words. Hence despite being less appreciated, I tried to set up a role model to my younger sister and cousins. I wanted to prove myself worthy of life, just as all the family heads preceding me. I wanted to behave properly and earn my relatives' respect. Pride as I knew it, was the smile on my parents' faces.
I also lived through assimilating.
I was seven when my parents packed up for China in hopes of brighter business opportunities. My sister and I remained in France under the custody of Tata (aunt) in Aix-les-Bains. I turned ten when my sister and I arrived at WenZhou, then Shanghai, China. After earning us admission into a private school, my parents launched another business plan- leaving us for the United States. For the following three and a half years, my family consisted of my younger siblings, our nanny, and a college piano student. Until finally, my siblings and I joined our parents in 2004.
I remember that Nanny often liked to ask, if I could, what market merchandise would I wanted to be?
My answer? Water.
Water could easily adjust to its surrounding, a skill I admired and lived to polish through immigration. With the absence of parents, my flexibility in adapting to new environments was tested by obstacles, such as less-than-friendly attitudes, exotic cuisine and language barriers. I was forced to keep track of the household's bills, and persistently dedicated sweat into learning three languages from scratch. But tenacity paid off, and I don't know which was more rewarding-- breaking the custom of no-skipping-grades in the rigorous Chinese curriculum, or winning recognitions and friendships regardless of my foreign background in all three countries. Perseverance also pulled me through ESL in a month and into NYC's Specialized High School a year later.
Here I must admit, as one who lives, that many of us rarely look ahead. We teenagers tend to commit ourselves to society's perpetual cycle of schoolwork, meals, sleep, and schoolwork again. Some of us lose our spines at the thought of reaching adulthood, while others hesitate over every single move when playing the life game, weary of consequences. Considering our inexperience, we do not often have the courage or leisure to sit back and think, geez, what is the big picture here. I am also a teenager, and times without number, doubt and fear paid me visits as I opened up to new possibilities. I cannot help but ask myself if today's decisions will differ from tomorrow'. I cannot simply advance without turning back to glimpse at the path I have chosen from time to time, arguing on behalf of my options or in the defense of other alternatives. However living has taught me that life is short and always goes on. Hence, we should learn from sunflowers to pursue our dreams with no regrets. Even if it means to endure stormy nights or hailing winds, always live to gaze up and meet another sunrise.
One thing worth noting about me is that I lived.
Not really. That is true of billions.
my parents' formula for raising children followed the "shepherd's guide": provide shelter, but let them pick their own grass.
That's sort of neat. I like the analogy.
"'I' is a verb, because to live, you must do, not be."
Okay, I suppose it's sort of clever, but the English major in me feels obliged to point that that "I" is not a verb, it is a pronoun.
I sort of stopped at this point. Your essay is neither naive nor dense. What it is, however, is rambling and unfocused. You jump from one topic to another without much in the way of transitions, and your ideas are not always unified by a common thread. Try tightening up the essay to focus more on one key experience.
I really really really liked your essay.. A LOT! I don't think it sounds rude and pompous at all, and I personally really liked the 'i lived' part, it's true that it is a little rambling and unfocused, but how are you suppose to tie up your life in one key experience? I felt a very strong connection to your essay because I moved around a lot when I was little as well. I struggled to learn different languages also (not three, but still) and I struggled to adapt to new cultures and go back into old ones. I know what it's like to move several times and I know there is no way to describe it in one 'key experience.' I don't actually understand the thing about 'I' is a verb, because to live, you must do, not be." maybe you could tell me what it's supposed to mean...I tried thinking about it, but I find it rather confusing...I especially liked the part about water, although there is a small grammatical error there
what market merchandise would I wanted to be? - what would I want to be
I know what you mean by water. I actually used it in my essay for mit, i talked about how im a river that shapes mountains and that all the places I pass by leave a part of themselves in me, hahah but what i mean by saying that, is that water is fluid, it can adjust to surroundings, but it can have some negative connotations because its transparent and bland. I think you also may want to emphasize that water is special in that it has qualities to adjust to its environment, fill any shape, any cup, but at the same time water is powerful and strong. It shapes boulders and canyons.
I also really like the beginning, with idiot. I definitely have been in your shoes...I've gone through plenty of those. And no! its not naive! and its not dense! i think it's not naive because you address your naivety, you admit that you're a teenager, and its not naive to admit that youre naive (or am i just telling myself that?) It's not dense, it feels very loose to me, I personally really enjoyed reading it!
What schools are you applying to?
Thank you so much. It really means a lot ><
The "i" is a verb, because to live you must do, not be, part means umm... in order to be you yourself, you cannot just sit back and say who you are, but rather, you should do things or prove who you are and shape yourself through actions.
wow, i guess water really is a popular thing nowadays :3 i really like your analogy; water shapes its surrounding canyons and boulders. I like that. XD
I am applying to Harvard and UPenn. Those two are my dream dream schools, and well, if I don't get into either, chances are, I wouldn't mind any other colleges.
