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No more being ignorant - CommonApp Writing - Short Answer


polk540 5 / 16  
Oct 11, 2011   #1
I wonder if it has any grammar problems and word choices, also redundancy is my concern. Immigrants and living in two yrs in America, I lack ECs but hope that this will work.

Question: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
1000 characters version:
Focusing on myself for success, I had been ignorant on people in need. I had not used my ability to help people. Even though I developed leadership as a class president in South Korea, I had not discovered leadership to contribute to humanitarian causes. The Vice President of church's youth group, I dedicated my summer for a mission. I should have prepared for such work. It impacted me, however, to learn reality of global poverty, presence of God, and reason to learn subject like Spanish.

Humanitarian works warmed my soul, and religious cause made me determent on future; however, learning business was necessary. The Quality Management Manager, I organized the documents for quality of auto-part production at Daewon America. I learned to coordinate.

I contribute to club by designing six different shirts. I learned how to associate with others' idea.
Church orchestra and Jazz Ensemble increase my appreciation of music. To keep the first chair, I truly enjoy it with soul and practice.

1000+ version:
Focusing on myself and academics for success, I had been ignorant on people in need, when I was in South Korea. When I looked back my life, I had not used my abilities to help and lead people. Even though I developed leadership as a class president in South Korea, I had not discovered my leadership and artistic ability to contribute to humanitarian causes. As the Vice President of the church's youth group, I dedicated my summer to help Mayan people in Yucatan, Mexico. After the week of mission, I realized the unpreparedness of us: donation was in shortage; the trip was too short for a mission and aid; I should have learned Spanish more fluently. The mission trip alerted me that I lacked preparedness on humanitarian and religious works. It, however, impacted me a lot; I learned how people in poverty live, how should I dedicate myself to them and God, and why should I learn a new academic subject such as Spanish. I greatly widen such a humanitarian, religious, and global perspective.

Humanitarian works warmed my soul and religious causes made me determent on my future; however, it was necessary to experience the business. As a Quality Management Manager, I organized and checked the quality of auto-parts production at Daewon America, whose facility in Alabama helps the local economy greatly. I learned how to communicate and coordinate with other employees.

I also enjoy arts; I contribute many clubs by helping with my artistic ability. Designing six different club shirts, not only I enjoy when people wearing shirts that I designed, but also I learned how to associate with others' idea on arts, which is vague and unruly.

Music had been none of my interest, when I was in South Korea; however, instrumental activities, including the church's orchestra and the Jazz Ensemble, increased my appreciation of life and music. I play alto saxophone, the sexiest musical instrument, for the church's orchestra and the high school Jazz Ensemble. Playing Jazz and hymn helps me to enjoy cultural learning and other religious activities. To stand the position of first second alto in Jazz Ensemble and first alto in the orchestra, I had to practice and truly enjoy with soul. Hence, I learned organization, cooperation, religion, humanism, global perspective, arts, and music from various activities. Such opportunities to work on extracurricular activities have totally changed me, comparing to when I was only studying in a Korean educational system; I hope to increase and continue my area and interests in college life.
katmandu0071 6 / 15  
Oct 12, 2011   #2
The prompt specifically says to elaborate on one of your ecs, but you have the laundry list here. I suggest that you select the particular one that has had the greatest impact on you (or the one you enjoyed the most or something) and write about it.
OP polk540 5 / 16  
Oct 13, 2011   #3
Thank you, I appreciate it
OP polk540 5 / 16  
Oct 13, 2011   #4
Wow. It helps me a lot!!!! Thank you so much.
seni012 3 / 14  
Oct 13, 2011   #5
Colomvan's changes really improve the cohesiveness of your paragraph so I have only a few changes to make. I'm using Colomvan's paragraph as a template: "Focusing on myself for a success, I had been ignorant of people in need (change this sentence to "I always put my personal success before the need of other people" ). Even though I developed leadership as a class president in South Korea, I had not used it to contribute to humanitarian causes. As the Vice President of my church's youth group, I dedicated my summer to a mission. I encouraged the mission group to learn Spanish and hymns and to collect donations; however, my friends and I faced status-related problems (what are the problems?) . But God led us in his way and dispelled every adversity we faced. We had difficulty speaking in a different tongue. We visited reticent Mayans' impoverished homes to give prayers. All this in the midst of a Caribbean hurricane and our blood being donated to mosquitoesblood donations to mosquitos , we not only enjoyed but also learned a lesson: preparedness. It inspired me to learn about the reality of global poverty, the necessity of humanitarian works, the presence of God, and a reason to live: to help those who cannot help themselves"
AmethystLiang 1 / 8  
Oct 15, 2011   #6
1000characters? Have you got out of that limit?


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