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U of Ill. extra-curricular activities


princetongirl /  
Dec 11, 2008   #1
Prompt: In an essay of 300 words or less choose one extra-curricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

I joined the Duke of Edinburgh program in grade nine, and it turned out to be the most enriching experience of my life. As a member, I was involved in several activities, but it was the time I spent interacting with people I consider most valuable.

In grade ten, my school organized a trip to Malaysia. At first, I was excited about traveling abroad and being independent even if it was only for four days. In Malaysia, our first destination was the Angels Children Home. It comprised of a two-story building which sheltered about twenty children. After we were briefly acquainted with the children, they were asked to choose partners to spend the rest of the day with. Ezra, the brown-eyed girl with incredibly long lashes chose to be my partner. Ezra and I spent the day talking, painting, dancing and playing games. Although I was teaching her, I felt I learned so much more. Her life was filled with extreme transformations; yet, she constantly wears a smile and is thankful for every new day life hands her. Through her story, Ezra reminded me of the importance of living in the moment and not always in some ill-defined future. I came home to appreciate my parents, my friends and everything I ever took for granted. It's useless to waste time fretting over the inevitable, a lesson I took to heart, as a high school student applying to college, uncertain of where - and who - I'll be next year.

Ever since, I have made sure to visit as many places and lend an ear to people who need it. Every person I met along the way shaped my perspectives and helped me mature. Although I have several other extra-curricular activities, none of them are as meaningful as interacting with different people. Like Ezra, we all have something to share with the world. Our true purposes may not seem obvious, but we can uncover them if we learn to sit quietly and pay attention.

Can u please check it to see whether the content is good enough and if im am making a point? Do i relate to the topic? Is the essay good, average or bad?? If you could rate it out of 10, i'd know where i stand. Thank you!! :)

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Dec 11, 2008   #2
I joined the Duke of Edinburgh program in grade nine, and it turned out to be the most enriching experience of my life. As a member, I was involved in several activities, but it was the time I spent interacting with people I consider most valuable.

In grade ten , my school organized a trip to Malaysia. This was part of the residential section of the award. At first, I was excited about traveling abroad and being independent even if it was only for four days. In Malaysia, our first destination was the Angels Children Home. It comprised of a two-story building which sheltered about twenty children. After we were briefly acquainted with the children, they were asked to choose partners to spend the rest of the day with. Ezra, the brown-eyed girl with incredibly long lashes chose to be my partner. Ezra and I spent the day talking, painting, dancing and playing games. Although I was teaching her, I felt I learned so much more. Through her story, Ezra reminded me of the importance of living in the moment and not always in some ill-defined future. It's useless to waste time fretting over the inevitable, a lesson I took to heart, as a high school student applying to college, uncertain of where - and who - I'll be next year.

(no corrections for the last paragraph)

Wow, this is great!!! I think you need some more info about just how you learned about "staying present" (i.e. in the present moment) from Ezra.
OP princetongirl /  
Dec 11, 2008   #3
Thank you soo much for the corrections..
I'll post another one after i've worked on it...please rate this one on 10...

thnx again...tc :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Dec 11, 2008   #4
I never know how to rate things from one to ten! :) I have to choose a number based on uncertain criteria. For example, what would be a 10... something written by Shakespeare? If Shakespeare would get a 10, I guess you get... 7.5 !!!

:)

Let's see how the next draft looks. What was that moment when you had a revelation inspired by Ezra?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Dec 12, 2008   #5
Here is a sentence that you can cut:

Ezra and I spent the day talking, painting, dancing and playing games.

Although you probably like that sentence, because it is a fond memory, it is not important for what you are trying to say.

I think the way you conclude this is great. You are not the first person to get a profound insight about life while looking into a child's eyes -- I bet the reader of this essay will be able to relate.


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