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Why U of Illinois (puzzle)


KeonYe 6 / 17  
Feb 22, 2009   #1
In an essay of 300 words or less, explain to us your decision to apply for transfer to the University of Illinois.

Puzzle

After researching various universities thoroughly, I am confident that I would fit perfectly as a puzzle piece that complements the masterpiece of UIUC. UIUC offers what I expect from an ideal university: an excellent academic environment and diversified programs ongoing.

From an early age, I have aspired to succeed as an engineer. I enjoy conducting experiments and research, as I believe that knowledge will only be handy when put into practice. With over 1,900 research projects progressing at the College of Engineering, UIUC is one of the best known research institutions in the United States. Its wide variety of research activities would allow me to further explore engineering in-depth and gain valuable experience. By immersing myself at research centers such as CSAR and ATREL, I expect to equip myself with better abilities and bring innovative technologies from the university into the real world.

I would also like to partake in the diversified programs offered by UIUC. By joining programs such as Human Connections, I expect broadening my knowledge and perspective. I have always appreciated world history and culture as I think it is the differences in cultures that make the world more colorful. As an international student from Malaysia, I want to meet with others from different walks of life and share my perspective and thinking in UIUC. I believe that by embracing different cultures and perspectives, I could grow into a better individual.

UIUC is simply a masterpiece. With everything that it has to offer, including a top notch engineering program and diverse student body, I would greatly benefit through its program. My expected contributions to the university will also add to the legacy of UIUC. Like a puzzle piece, I would make the perfect fit into UIUC and be honored to be a part of the masterpiece.

Please help me with this essay. This is one of my top choice schools which I really hope to get in.. (although it's competitive -.-)

1. Are the supporting details specific and strong enough?
2. The word limit is 300 but my essay is 311.. Could anyone help me to cut it down a little? I'm actually thinking whether should I talk JUST about the first point (academic environment)

3. Is it ok to use acronym? Like UIUC instead of University of Illinois Urbana Champaign.. the full name takes a lot of space
4. Please help me with my grammar, essay structure etc

angel2u2000 2 / 2  
Feb 23, 2009   #2
1. "The preeminence in research at UIUC offers an excellent academic environment and an interesting campus life that I would appreciate participating."
----- that fits my personality perfectly.

2."Since my early age, I have aspired to succeed in my future as an engineer."
-----Even as a child, I aspired being in the shoes of a successful engineer.

3."I enjoy conducting experiments and researches as I believe that knowledge will only be handy when we practice them."
-----remove "as I believe", change to "believing that knowledge will only be functional if they're put into practice."

4."Its wide variety of research activities would allow me to explore engineering further in-depth and gain valuable experience."
-----"would allow me to explore the world of engineering further and gain ..."

5."As an international student from Malaysia, I appreciate the diversified culture at UIUC that would allow me to meet with others from different walks of life, to explore new perspectives and ideas from them, and to inspire them with my own culture...."

-----As a student coming from Malaysia, it would be a great experience to mingle with various cultures that walked the different paths of life. I would be able to view their different perspectives and ideas, and in return, I would inspire them my own. The University of Illinois, being in a melting pot, would mold us into culturally diverse individuals and at the same time prepare me and my fellow students to enter the world with confidence and excellence.

6."UIUC is simply a masterpiece. With everything that it has to offer, including a top notch engineering program and diverse student body, I would greatly benefit through its program. My expected contributions to the university will also add to the legacy of UIUC. Like a puzzle piece, I would make the perfect fit into UIUC and be honored to be a part of the masterpiece."

-----With everything UIUC has to offer, including a top notch engineering program and diverse student body, it has proven itself as a masterpiece. Being a part of this prestigious institution, I would not only benefit from its program, but also add another legacy to its history. Your university is a huge puzzle composed of little pieces - the students - and I believe that I am one of them.

---Good luck...
---Ask other opinions too!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Feb 23, 2009   #3
After researching among various universities thoroughly, I am confident that I would fit perfectly as a puzzle piece that complements the masterpiece of UIUC. The preeminence in research at UIUC offers an excellent academic environment and an interesting campus life that I would appreciate participating in.

From an early age, I have aspired to succeed in my future as an engineer.

I enjoy conducting experiments and researches , as I believe that knowledge will only be handy when put into practice.

With over 1,900 research projects progressing at the College of Engineering, UIUC is one of the best known research institutions in the United States. Its wide variety of research activities would allow me to further explore engineering in-depth and gain valuable experience.

As an international student from Malaysia, I appreciate the diversified culture at UIUC that would allow me to meet with others from different walks of life, to explore new perspectives and ideas from them , and to inspire them with my own culture.

To make the most out of our interesting lives, we will mingle around , participate in the events of Inclusive Illinois, and ultimately, we will grow together culturally and intellectually to become outstanding individuals.

Your essay is good, I cut out eight or nine words, I believe. Your supporting details are specific and to the point. Acronyms are fine!

:)
OP KeonYe 6 / 17  
Feb 25, 2009   #4
I have edited my essay a little. Could you help judge which is better? As I personally feel that the 2nd point for my 1st draft is a little generic. Thanks!
Yahiriz 3 / 10  
Feb 26, 2009   #5
Try not to tell them about themselves. like with over 1,900 research projects progressing at the College of Engineering, UIUC is one of the best known research institutions in the United States. They probably already know that lol.. Use this space to further comment on your positive qualities

Try to use the prompt to your advantage.. It asks for your reasons to apply for transfer to the University of Illinois... use thins to note the reasons why Univ of Illinois should have you example searching for a more challenging academic environment... etc.

I think you should evaluate your approach to the prompt. It sometimes feels as if you are answering another question .. more along the lines of Why should you be admitted to the University of Illinois?

Explain why you have aspired to succeed in my future as an engineer.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Feb 26, 2009   #6
Give some examples of how you will fit in like a puzzle piece. Tell about specific plans for when you attend the school.
OP KeonYe 6 / 17  
Feb 26, 2009   #7
tell my plans when I attend the school? but the word limit is only 300 and I am already very near to that. I doubt I could add any details more =.=


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