"To illustrate Strength" - How is the content, should it be more personal?

-The Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

Strength, skill and character are all traits of great figures in history. Those who have exemplified these traits have succeeded in life in ways that are unimaginable. I have done things that are great examples of "Vires, Artes, Mores" in my short life. Therefore, I believe that Florida State University is the perfect environment for me to learn and gain new experiences that I can get at no other school.

I illustrate strength nearly every day in more ways than one. Not only do I go to school every weekday but I also go to work at Publix as a Front Service Clerk after school and on the weekends, and still manage to get my school work done. My job requires me to go outside and retrieve carts from the parking lot, bag groceries, and mop the floors until 10 PM on most nights. Additionally when I was 13 I was diagnosed with an intraventricular brain cyst which caused constant headaches and emesis. I had brain surgery to remove the cyst in October of 2006 and was still able to complete all my schoolwork while I was recovering.

I display skill in my life by holding myself to high standards when it comes to academics, work, and my overall outlook on life. For example, not only was I the only junior on the 2010 Academy of Environmental Science Ocean Bowl team but I was also the team's leading scorer. My senior year I am set to be the captain of the 2011 Ocean Bowl team for AES, which requires hours of studying and preparation for me as well as my team mates. I was also the president of my class during my sophomore and junior years at the Academy of Environmental Science. I also performed in two different plays for the Crystal River High School drama department and received the 2008 "Thespy" award for best supporting actor, for my role of Raymond in the play "George Washington Slept Here".

Mores, or character, is a very important aspect in my life. I've always done a great amount of things in my community as well as other communities to help support the welfare others. For example, my freshmen and sophomore years of high school, I participated in mission trips to North Carolina. I've been playing guitar for about 5 years and have taught myself how to play a number of songs. I also enjoy playing a variety of sports including football, baseball, basketball and soccer.

These characteristics have led me to become a leader amongst my peers, and a role model for younger citizens. It is my belief that for these reasons I will flourish at Florida State University and become an even better person in the future.

*It has to be under 500 words

Strength, skill and character are all traits of great figures in history. Those who have exemplified these traits have succeeded in life in ways that are unimaginable. I have done things that are great examples of "Vires, Artes, Mores" in my short life. Therefore, I believe that Florida State University is the perfect environment for me to learn and gain new experiences that I can get at no other school.

This paragraph is mostly repetitive of the prompt, and is just a waste of space. Start off with a story or example to make it intresting.

I illustrate strength nearly every day in more ways than one. --- weak! Say something that will grab the attention. :-) Do not accept anything less than fascinating sentences.

Not only do I go to school every weekday but I also... --- it is not impressive that you go to school. :-)


I don't think unimaginable is the right word for things that have happened. Things that have happened are imaginable. Actually, I think this whole sentence is unnecessary... you should try to have a theme for the essay. The theme should be your own unique insight about Vires, illustrated by your accomplishments.

So, it is no good to say something about how good vires is, like the example above. Instead, present your own contribution to the topic. You have to do it in a single sentence and then use the rest of the essay to explain it and demonstrate it.

So instead of this, Therefore, I believe that Florida State University is the perfect environment for me to learn and gain new experiences that I can get at no other school. do something more meaningful, like ... "I can contribute to Vires at FSU by using the motivation I get from my excitement about entering the field of XXXXXXXXXX. I am fortunate to feel so inspired about my chosen field, and this is a source of strength because YYYYYYYYYYYY.

This is just my idea, not necessarily the best thing to do. I want to express, though, that it is important to have a single clear insight about vires. End the first para with a sentence that tells your main idea.

My job requires me to go outside and retrieve carts from the parking lot, bag groceries, and mop the floors until 10 PM on most nights.--- this is rather ordinary, not worth mentioning. I'm sorry to seem critical!! You write well, and I'm just giving my ideas.

Try rewriting this with a focus on Vires and/or Mores as it relates to the field you are interested in entering. The most impressive thing is to have a plan for your future, and this can be a good way to demonstrate the virtues.

Hi.

I think you got a little bit overwhelmed by the three values and the word limit. Just focus on one, like this one


and talk about how you have learned from it, how one of the three values (or one of your own values that resembled one of theirs) have influence you to make you better.

G L~