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"Imagine a room" - CommonAPP essay


mustaa 7 / 15  
Dec 19, 2008   #1
Imagine a room.

Give it a door, some windows, and a black wooden study table. Sitting in that room is a boy. His paper placed firmly on the table, his pencil sharpened. Staring vacantly at the blank page before him. He blinks once, blinks twice, stares again. Waiting for that creative impulse.

Nothing!

He shuts his eyes, takes a deep breath. An idea grips him. Struggling to hold on to it, he quickly jots down a mere set of words. He pauses, contemplates, and then scratches them out. Muscles tense, heartbeat amplifies, blood pounds through his veins as he clenches his fist. Anger overrides thought.

For this boy has heard that you're supposed to 'show' things in college essays rather than tell. Desperately, he keeps trying to find ways to encompass himself onto that loose sheet of paper. Being treated like another candidate number in a huge pile of applications just will not suffice. He is more than that. More than just a string of numbers; he is a name. He loves being radical. Grabbing your attention, shaking it repeatedly and bludgeoning it with non-conformity until it begs for reprieve. The 'special' is in him; all he desires is a venting point to showcase his unconventionality. Dreams told him he was destined for greatness. Reality showed otherwise. He was a tiny someone, a part of something huge. A brick in a building. Yet a weird sense of superiority overwhelmed him.

Once again, in search of inspiration, he gazed around his room. Every detail defined him, every object called out his name, but how could he articulate it all onto paper?

His gaze caught sight of the closet, clothes overturned. On top of that mass lay his school football jersey. His name was displayed in bold at the back. How he wished he could depict what that jersey meant to him. The memories attached to it, the sense of belonging it provided every time he put it on. To be part of something big - a team. Where everyone looked out for each other, where it was not about the money, glory, or age, but about running for each other, fighting for each other, going out there and just playing some ball. It was there, on that football field, that everyone was equal. The only thing that defined you is what you could do with the ball. It was near impossible for him to relocate every sentiment he felt onto a piece of paper.

Next to his jersey lay his shin guards, battered and bruised. Every scratch told a story; every story didn't always end happily ever after. How could he relay all of them - omitting any one would be like omitting a part of himself.

He glanced at his school shirt, perfectly pressed, ready for a new day at school. How could he portray through an anecdote what that shirt represents. How he grew old in it, transitioning from a happy-go-lucky teenager into a mature human being. The lessons he learnt in that very shirt, how achievements did not bring lasting happiness, friends did. Even if he put every memory, or part of a single memory onto paper, he still would not be able to extract the same empathy he felt while writing it.

He still sits there. With his paper placed firmly on the table, pencil sharpened, trying to sum up his life in 500 words or less.

this is kinda my common app essay...before the last ending sentence i kinda need an ending bit, line or paragraph or something which basically ties the whole thing together, but i cant think of one... so any help would be appreciated because i have the worst writers bloc and i need to submit this soon...also all help with grammar will be greatly appreciated
Chink - / 13  
Dec 19, 2008   #2
This essay has some major flaws. Firstly, why would someone have to 'imagine' this room and this person? You initially interact with the audience, but then do not acknowledge this interaction again in the essay. And why is it being told in third-person? If you look back at your essay, you will realize it doesn't really gain anything from being written in third-person. In fact, it actually distances yourself from the reader more, which is sort of antithetical to the goal of an application essay. Secondly, you clearly outline how you want to 'show' and not 'tell,' yet this entire essay was a sort of stream of consciousness in which you merely tell us about what you were thinking while attempting to write an essay. Third, you repeatedly tell us you are 'destined for greatness' and a 'non-conformist,' yet I see no examples of why this is so. You actually contradict the non-conformist bit with your brick-in-the-wall metaphor and place on the football team. Perhaps you mean 'cooperative' or 'team player' rather than 'non-conformist.' I also happen to find the phrase 'non-conformist' to be pretentious, which will be looked down on by admissions officers. Fourth, do not call yourself a 'mature human being' because you are not. A real adult reading this essay will find this arrogant. Fifth: 'The lessons he learnt in that very shirt, how achievements did not bring lasting happiness, friends did.' - this is an opinion (in truth, no one thing will bring you happiness). Many will find this statement to actually be quite immature, contrary to the statement you posit just a couple sentences later. And it's 'learned' not 'learnt.'

Finally, I would like to say that your style and structure is actually pretty good. Your essay is well organized and well-written. Besides a few exaggerated and awkward choices, your main problem, I think, is actually the whole 'telling' and not 'showing' thing. Good luck.
OP mustaa 7 / 15  
Dec 19, 2008   #3
hey thanks a lot for all your criticism, i appreciate you taking time out and helping me. ill take everything you said into consideration and revise this completely...i know this essay was flawed but i guess i didn't want to accept so much was wrong with it. Anyway after i revamp this essay ill put it up and would be grateful if you would have a second look at it.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 20, 2008   #4
Give this some adjective, at least one:

Imagine a room.

You can say,

Imagine a quiet room, small but spacious.
Give it a door, some windows, and a black wooden study table...

How could he portray through an anecdote what that shirt represents? He grew older in it, transitioning from a happy-go-lucky teenager into a mature human being. The lessons he learnt in that very shirt, how achievements did not bring lasting happiness, friends did. Even if he put every memory, or part of a single memory onto paper, he still would not be able to extract the same empathy he felt while writing it.

He still sits there. With his paper placed firmly on the table, pencil sharpened, trying to sum up his life in 500 words or less.

I don't know, I have to say that I think this essay is actually GREAT about "showing rather than telling," and in fact you go as far as to prompt the reader to envision a room and that black, wooden study table. I like it! And, I like the use of the 3rd person tense. It is interesting that different readers have such contradictory opinions about it!!! I think you will do well.

:)
OP mustaa 7 / 15  
Dec 20, 2008   #5
hahah its seriously interesting how two people have totaly differnt opinions but what do you think?, should i change it around or leave it the way it is.. and make some minor adjustments like teh non conformist bit!, im really confused because i for one love this essay..but i guess tahts just because its mine..haha
Kikozang - / 14  
Dec 20, 2008   #6
I loved the way you presented the picture.
It's very unique and if you were wanting to stand out in the crowd, well, u did it. :)
quack09 2 / 23  
Dec 20, 2008   #7
Chink,

what is your email? I want you to read my essay.
OP mustaa 7 / 15  
Dec 20, 2008   #8
haha thanks you guys, anyway the main point behind posting this was that i kidna need an ending paragraph before the last line to kind of tie everything together...any ideas what i could do?
Chink - / 13  
Dec 20, 2008   #9
Quack09,

Sorry, I don't really feel comfortable giving anonymous people my email address, but if you post your essay on this forum within the next couple days, I'll be glad to look at it :)
joke0611 5 / 18  
Dec 22, 2008   #10
hey i thought this was a pretty good essay
to be honest i'm not an english expert or anything
i'm still a senior in high school but I definitely think you achieved the purpose of the school getting to know who you are as a person

and I think you're an AMAZING writer...lots of good imagery
luv4evr 9 / 8  
Dec 24, 2008   #11
Mustaa, I think this essay actually shows a lot about you in a unique way.
I mean, I actually think it 'shows' more than it 'tells'. Good job!
purple92 3 / 6  
Dec 24, 2008   #12
I agree that this is an excellent way of showing yourself. As for the ending I think its perfect- in the beginning you are "looking for a creative impulse" and the ending makes it feel like just writing about yourself is enough. It's great:)
OP mustaa 7 / 15  
Dec 24, 2008   #13
thanks a lot guys, i appreciate it :)


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